


Stumbling On and Over You

by lyrical_pen



Series: Winchester/Chambers stories [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Attempted Sexual Assault, Chick-Flick Moments, Confessions, Dean Winchester Being an Asshole, Dean Winchester Has a Heart, Denial of Feelings, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Eventual Sex, Explicit Language, F/M, Feelings Realization, Funny Dean Winchester, How Do I Tag, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Mild Sexual Content, Mutual Pining, Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, POV Original Female Character, Protective Dean Winchester, Romance, Secrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:27:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 49,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28419096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyrical_pen/pseuds/lyrical_pen
Summary: While checking out a potential job, Sam and Dean run into Manda Chambers, a female hunter they met about a month ago while helping save another hunter, Church, that happened to be a friend of hers. Dean and Manda had a lot in common, from hunting to music to the smart-ass remarks they both hide behind. They seemed to be a match. But all of that doesn't always mean it's a good thing. They never wanted to see each other again for what went down between them. Now, stumbling upon each other again, feelings both of them shoved down resurface and it gets hard to ignore. Yet, letting anyone get close is difficult for Manda due to a past she keeps secret. On a bender she finds herself in some random trouble and Dean ends up coming to her rescue. But when all is said and done, can these two hunters put aside their differences to come clean about why they're both fighting it so hard, and how they really feel about each other?
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Winchester/Chambers stories [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2083227
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I have nothing to do with the actual show, and these stories were written just for fun and out of love and appreciation as a fan.  
> This story was written to be set somewhere in the earlier part of season 4, maybe just a few months after Dean's return from Hell. This story is way more character based and character thought driven, and it lacks the typical chasing monsters/evil part. There will be anger, hurt, secrets, romance, and a few laughs in here. Pop culture references (with no offense intended to any used) and a few song titles in moments as well. Wrote this way back in 2009, so it's been a long time but it's now been edited in spots I felt needed it, and have changed the title slightly while moving it over here from ff. If interested, you can still find the whole story there: https://fanfiction.net/s/4890581/
> 
> Goes without saying that Sam and Dean Winchester are not my characters. But I hope I did them justice, especially with my take on the layers to Dean and what may happen if he met a girl that was like him in quite a few ways.  
> The original female characters are mine, and you might like, hate, or want to smack them. So be it. Can't please everyone there. They aren't perfect, they have their flaws, but hopefully you find them likable and real. Comment of you wish, feedback is welcome. Thanks for reading!

"Can I help you?" The woman behind the desk of the morgue in the latest city that Sam and Dean were in asked them as they stood in front of her dressed in their suits.  
"Agents Campbell and Englund, we'd like to see the remains that were found two days ago," Dean said as both he and Sam flashed their fake badges quickly.  
"More agents? Wow, you guys must really be interested in that body. There's one of you in there already… an Agent Benatar. You two know her?" The female clerk peered at them for a moment, and then focused back on her computer's monitor.  
Dean and Sam traded looks, their brows slightly raised in question at each other over who could be in there already. Both of them curious to see if it was someone they knew and hoping it wasn't an actual federal agent.  
"Really? Hmm, the wires must have gotten crossed. Guess the office forgot to mark down which agents they were sending out. Happens all the time." Dean flashed a big charming smile at the clerk. He knew she'd believe the lie. She was too occupied with whatever she was doing on the computer anyway.  
As if on cue, a door opened and the woman in question strolled out. The sound of her heels could be heard clicking on the floor as she walked down the hallway towards the desk.  
"There she is now," the clerk said, barely looking away from her computer monitor.  
Both Sam and Dean looked at the woman that had emerged. She was trim, five foot nine with longer light brown wavy hair, fair skin, pale blue-green eyes, and a noticeably pretty face. They looked each other then with a little relief because they knew exactly who she was, and that she was just as much of an agent as they both were – not at all.  
The woman saw them immediately and wondered how to spin this one to keep them all from looking like morons. She knew what role they had played to get in here, she'd played it herself.  
She flashed them a knowing smile. "Great, the boss sent the senior agents to check up on the junior one. Head on back, boys, and make sure I didn't miss anything for the report. I swear, they send a woman to do the job, but then have men follow it up just to make sure she didn't screw it up since not only is she new, but she's also a woman. When will they ever learn?"  
"Amen to that, sister. Go back there, guys. Make sure the woman did her job right," the clerk chipped in, giving them a sarcastic smile. "Body's in drawer twenty."  
"Senior agents?" Dean mouthed to Sam, looking annoyed. And he was annoyed, not believing he was crossing paths with this female hunter again.  
"I'm sure you got everything, Agent Benatar, but we might as well have a look since we're here," Sam said as he gave her an apologetic smile, noticing how she was avoiding looking at his brother.  
"I know you two like to see things for yourself, so I'll leave you to it then. Oh, and the file's on the counter in there." Agent Benatar smiled at them sweetly and then walked out of the city morgue's front door.  
Sam and Dean took the short stroll down the hallway, and then walked through the door the female hunter had come out of before and closed it behind them.  
"Shit, what's she doing here?" Dean muttered out the question in an unmistakable irritated tone.  
"Same thing we are, Dean. Manda's a hunter too," Sam answered, wondering what had his brother a bit uptight now.  
"I know, it's just… did it have to be her?" Dean found the numbered drawer he wanted and opened the door, and pulled out the tray with the white sheet covered body on it.  
"Better her than a real agent or we'd be screwed right now." Sam pulled back the sheet and started looking at the body they'd come to see – the one they'd read about in the paper a day earlier.

[ - ]

Manda Chambers groaned as she got outside and looked around for Dean Winchester's Impala. "Terrific, just fuckin' terrific," she mumbled to herself.  
She spotted the car a few feet down the street and walked over to it, annoyed and in thought.  
Of all the cities, of all the leads… and they just happened to stumble upon the same one she had. She had thought she'd never cross paths with the Winchesters again, but she should have known better. There was no escaping some things with the kind of luck she had. Manda didn't mind seeing Sam, but Dean…well, that was another story for another time, and one she wished was staying in the past.  
She reached the Impala and leaned against the front of it as she waited for them knowing they'd only be about fifteen minutes anyway. So she made herself comfortable knowing it would irk one brother to no end, and that was fine by her.

[ - ]

Sam and Dean hadn't found anything unusual about the remains, but it that still didn't mean there wasn't a case here. The whole thing sounded strange, but there had been no evidence of anything supernatural that had happened to the unidentified man. It appeared that he'd just died in a freak accident. The article had made it sound like it was weird, but once in awhile it was really nothing more than just some freak accident. But they couldn't be sure yet and would have to do a little investigating to see if there was in fact a job here.  
They walked back to the car in silence and were a bit surprised to find Manda there waiting for them.  
"Well, well, if it isn't the Winchester duo," Manda said, clicking her teeth.  
"Hey, Manda. How are you?" Sam smiled.  
"Aw come on, I just polished her and she doesn't need your ass print messing her up." Dean's voice was cold and irritated as he saw her practically sitting on the hood.  
"Good. How are you, Sam?" She smiled at Sam, but didn't bother to look towards Dean and ignored him, remaining where she was.  
"I'm, uh… we're good too," Sam answered. He found it weird she hadn't acknowledged Dean yet or bothered to move after he had made his comment.  
Dean opened the driver's door, took off his tie and threw it in, then walked back to the front of the car.  
Manda finally moved, taking a few steps closer towards Sam who was to her right. "So, I'm guessing you guys found what I found – nothing much?"  
"Yeah, I was sure there'd be something, but besides the slight bruising around the heart, there was nothing else to indicate anything unusal." Sam was finding it very weird now. The way Dean and Manda were acting towards each other wasn't normal. She had barely looked at him, and he just kept looking at her with something in his eyes that was hard for Sam to figure out.  
"Might still be a job here, but we can handle it while you leave to find another one," Dean said bluntly.  
"And miss all the fun? Nah, think I'll stick around for a few days. You guys might need some help just like you did last time." Manda tried to turn to face him, but just wouldn't let herself.  
"Look, little Miss Paranormal Nancy Drew, there probably isn't a case here, so just hunt down another one and help someone who needs it. But hey, if you're that desperate to stick around then suit yourself." Dean leaned against his car.  
"I'm sure if there's a job here whoever figures it out first can take it. And either way, a little help can't hurt depending on what it is." Sam felt uncomfortable suddenly from the tension.  
"A compliment coming from a glorified Carl Kolchak, why thank you," Manda retorted as she turned slightly, but still didn't look at directly at Dean.  
"Tell me, Manda, how's that Velma's my role model thing working out for you?" Dean shot back.  
"Better than the pretending Daphne was my girlfriend until I changed the channel and modeled myself after the Fonz act you've had going on for most of your life, Dean" Manda snapped back at him.  
Sam laughed at the insults they had thrown at each other, they were quick and good. "Okay, what the hell is going on here?" he asked, looking between both of them curiously.  
"Nothing," both Dean and Manda replied at the same time.  
"Uh huh." Sam didn't believe either of them. Something had to have gone on between them to cause this thick tension and behaviour.  
"I better go, nice running into you guys. Call me if there's something you need, Sam. I'll be here for another day or two."  
"Sure."  
"Guess I'll see you around then, Sam." Manda finally glanced out of the corner of her eyes towards Dean. Her eyes flashed something warm for a brief second and then got cold looking. "Dean." She walked away and headed towards her own car then.  
"Bye," Sam called out after her, a weird expression on his face.  
Dean just stood there silently watching her as she left.  
"Dude, you want to tell me what that was all about?" Sam asked Dean as soon as Manda was clearly out of earshot.  
"What was what about?" Dean pretended he didn't know what Sam was talking about.  
"Um…you and Manda. What the hell was that?"  
"Nothing." The word rolled off Dean's tongue.  
"Nothing? Dean, you were staring at her and she was trying too hard not to look at you. Then when she finally did look at you, I could have sworn she was about to hit you. What the hell happened between the two of you?"  
"It was nothing," Dean lied. Something had happened, but he wasn't about to tell Sam what it was.  
"Fine, but if you don't tell me about it I could always call Church and ask her what she knows."  
"Leave it alone, Sam." Dean walked over to the driver's side and got in the car. "Let's go."  
Sam just nodded and got in on the passenger's side. He didn't know what to say, and he sure as hell didn't know what was going on. But he did know that his brother was usually never like this when it came to anyone, especially a girl.  
As they drove away a moment later, Sam knew he was going to have to call Church and ask if she knew what had happened in those few days between his brother and her friend after they had helped saved her a month ago.


	2. Chapter 2

Later that night, the bar Manda was in was half packed and she had been there for about an hour already. She didn't normally like to sit directly at the bar, but tonight was different. She had wanted her drinks refilled when she finished them, but was now drinking them slowly. Too much was going on in her mind and drinking had seemed like a good idea, but it wasn't helping anything.  
Now some clown was trying to pick her up and while she played along with it for awhile, she wasn't going anywhere with this guy. She was laughing at his jokes, because at least he was semi-funny, but his routine was old, and she'd heard it all more times than she could remember over the years. But he was slow enough to not get the sarcastic comments she shoved in, even when the bartender had overheard a few of them and laughed. And now he was asking her to play a game or two of pool, so she agreed just for the hell of it. It would be easy to kick his ass and win some money off him, but for now she played stupid by pretending she didn't know much about how to play as she walked over to a table with him and they started a game.

[ - ]

Sam and Dean wandered into the bar. Dean had chosen it as they drove around looking for a place to grab a couple of drinks. Sam hadn't really wanted to go, but Dean had persuaded him into coming with him.  
Sam hadn't said anything when they got here, but he had noticed a certain car that belonged to Manda Chambers at the far end of the lot. Dean probably hadn't seen it, because if he had – they wouldn't be here.  
Dean sat down at a small table that was near the poor tables while Sam went to order them a couple of beers.  
Dean's eyes were scanning the place from the moment they set foot in it. There were enough attractive women for him to choose from, and enough guys for them to win some cash off of in a couple of games of pool. His night was looking up since the day had been an annoyance and a bust.  
When Sam came back with their drinks, Dean guzzled half his bottle instantly. Then he heard a laugh, one he had heard before.  
"You gotta be kidding me? She's here?" he said with a groan, and then looked around for the owner of the laugh. There was no way it could be her, he would have seen her when he was looking before, unless she'd had her back turned the whole time.  
Dean finally spotted Manda at one of the pool tables a few feet away where a man looked like he was teaching her how to line up a good shot. His eyes hardened as he watched them, knowing that the man was just using it as an excuse to touch her. Dean had used the move plenty of times himself to know exactly what it meant. His grip tightened around his beer bottle.  
"What?" Sam asked, playing dumb and watching as Dean tried to strangle the bottle in his hand.  
"Frickin' Manda is here… last pool table on the right," Dean said annoyed. But he was still watching them. He saw her take the shot and sink the ball. The guy looked amused and had quite a wide grin on his face as he checked her out bent over the table.  
"Do you want to leave?"  
"I'm not done my beer, and she can leave if she wants to when she sees us." Dean spat out the words, looked back at Sam, and then downed the rest of his beer before starting on another.  
"Uh… okay..." Sam could tell Dean was pissed off, but he still didn't know at what or why. Or why Manda seemed to bug him so much. He hadn't gotten a chance to call Church yet to ask her, but as soon as Dean left him alone he was going to.  
Looking over at the pool table then, Sam watched Manda cleaning up the table while the guy stood there with a grin quickly turning into a scowl.  
"First she's in same city, now the same bar, what's next… the same motel?" Dean was muttering out loud.  
"Ready to tell me what the hell happened between you two yet?" Sam wanted to know, but prying things out of Dean was never easy. He might tell him in time though, as sometimes it just took awhile for his brother to open up.  
"You fuckin' played me! You said you said you weren't that good, that's why I put up fifty bucks," the man at the pool table with Manda loudly spoke, filled with anger.  
Sam and Dean heard the guy's voice and turned their attention to the table again to watch how it played out.  
"Should we…" Sam started to ask.  
"She'll kick his ass if she has to, but if he's got friends… then we'll jump in." Dean's knuckles were turning white on the hand he held his beer in.  
"Beginner's luck, asshole," Manda mouthed off back at the man. "Not to mention I had to put up with your grubby hands on me at least twice… that must've given me enough incentive to win."  
"Like you didn't like them there, whore." The man laughed and stepped closer to her.  
"Whore?" she said with one short chuckle. "You're lucky I'm only walking away with your money and not your hands or tongue as well." Manda was sizing him up now. She wasn't looking for a fight, but if it was happening – she was ready.  
"Goddamn bitch! You're threatening me? I'll show you what a real threat is." The man went to grab her by the arm, but stopped when he noticed a crowd watching them now.  
Manda scanned the bar to make sure this jerk didn't have any friends with him. She hadn't seen him with any but that didn't mean they weren't there. And that's when she saw who was sitting at a table not too far away. "Oh look, my brothers are finally here. And while they know I can take you… you touch me, you're gonna have to answer to them." She nodded towards the table and waved at Sam and Dean.  
Dean just sat there watching and waiting, his face serious and angry looking.  
Sam stood up, nodding back at her to let her silently know they'd help, not that she seemed to need it in his opinion.  
The guy looked at them and his jaw clenched tight enough to break his teeth, but he didn't move or say anything.  
"You're not worth the fifty bucks or the free ice I'll have to stick my hand into later after I knock your face around a few times." Manda smiled and walked away, headed towards Sam and Dean.  
"Fuckin' stupid bitch!" the guy shouted at her, and then stormed off with his money she had left behind.  
"Making friends like always, I see," Dean said to Manda as she sat down beside him. His eyes were back on the bottle in front of him already.  
"Not my fault that guy's an idiot and thought a girl couldn't kick his ass at the game," she replied. "By the way, you're my brothers should that dick come back."  
Sam laughed. "I'm sure he bought it, but I bet boyfriend and his friend or brother would have been more believable."  
Dean scoffed.  
"Like anyone would believe either one of you would date me," Manda laughed.  
"I need another beer." Dean got up and then walked over to the bar.  
"Well, don't let us stop you, Prince Charming," Manda said.  
Sam chuckled, glancing after Dean weirdly. "He's just, uh…"  
"Being Dean," she said his name like it came with a sting attached to it. "He can't help it."  
"Yeah…" Sam wanted to laugh, she had it right. "So, will you tell me what happened between you two? I remember you guys getting along just fine, it was all laughs and playful bickering a month ago. Now it's like you can't stand the sight of each other."  
"Nothing." Manda looked away from Sam, but not before he saw what looked like a bit of pain in her eyes before it disappeared almost as quickly as it came.  
"That's what he said too. But it's obvious it was more than nothing."  
"Of course he did." She chuckled sort of sarcastically. "Typical."  
"What?" Sam was sure he was getting somewhere now. He knew she might tell him what had happened.  
"Well, you know how sometimes you get along too good with somebody and that isn't always a good thing?"  
Sam nodded. "Yeah, and?"  
"I don't know what to tell you, Sam. We're just… a lot alike and still pretty different." Manda scanned the bar and found Dean. He was chatting to some woman and seemed to be kicking back the booze. Two empties sat on the bar in front of him, as did a new bottle of tequila, a shot in his hand.  
Sam saw her look at his brother, but didn't see any emotion he could read on her this time. "Okay, but that still doesn't explain why there's this crazy tension and what seems like some serious anger between you guys."  
Manda looked back at Sam. "I need another drink, you want another beer?"  
"Sounds good."  
Manda got up and went to the bar.  
Sam watched as Dean turned his head to look at her while he was still talking to the woman he was standing with. His eyes stayed on her, went back to the woman next to him for a second, and then were back on Manda as she stood there waiting for the drinks she'd ordered. He noticed Manda hadn't turned her head once, not even when she must have felt Dean's eyes on her.  
She returned with a beer for Sam and two shots for herself.  
"Thanks," Sam said as he took the beer she handed to him. "Okay, tell me you didn't just notice him staring at you once again."  
"I didn't notice." She hadn't, she had been trying too hard to not turn and look at him with whatever bimbo he was hitting on tonight.  
"Uh huh. So tell me what happened."  
Manda downed a shot, tapped the glass on the table when she was done. "You really want to know?"  
"Yes."  
"I think… I think maybe I bruised his ego when I rejected him. I don't think your brother took it too well seeing as he's not used to it." Her voice was quiet as she said it.  
Sam laughed. "Serious? You turned him down and that's what all this is about?" He wasn't sure how many times Dean had ever been turned down by a woman, but he knew it wasn't very often and could probably be counted on one hand.  
"I might have insulted him as well when I did it."  
"How?" Sam wanted to know how she'd managed to insult Dean bad enough for the way things were between them.  
"Well, as you said, we got along fine. There was some attraction there, but we had more in common than we wanted to admit and when he made his move, I just… I don't know… I was drunk and might have said some things that got to him." Manda knew what she had said and why, but she wasn't telling Sam all the details.  
"Uh huh. What'd you say to him?" Sam was getting real curious now as she let out more of the story.  
"Something mean, probably summed up who he is and what's he's like. Then I told him it was a mistake and asked him to get out of my room."  
"Ouch." So that's what had happened, and Sam knew it had been more than just a "no." "But why are you angry with him?"  
"Angry?" she laughed. "I guess I should tell you because I've told you almost everything anyway." Manda downed her second shot before she continued. "So I turned him down, kicked him out and maybe in the morning I regretted being so bitchy with him, but by the time I came around to your room… well, you guys were already gone." She paused a moment. "There was no goodbye, no text or call. Not a word from him even though he played it cool with me when he left and said he'd see me in the morning before you guys left. You know, I even called him a few times to try to apologize, but he never picked up or called back."  
So that was the whole story, or most of it according to her. She had managed to hurt his brother and then he'd hurt her in return. She wasn't angry, Sam could see it now. She was just hurt by the fact that Dean had disappeared and pretended like he didn't know her. Now it seemed to make more sense as to why Manda barely looked at Dean and why he kept looking at her.  
"He told me he had said goodbye to you the night before, you know? After we'd finished saying bye to Church I asked him why you weren't there since the two of you had been hanging out. All he said was that you'd said your goodbyes the night before, that you wanted him to say bye to me for you and then he smirked at me."  
"He lied, and now you know the tale of Dean and me." She slid one of the shot glasses back and forth on the table between her hands.  
"I'll talk to him."  
"Leave it be, Sam. What's done is done." Manda's tone was a touch icy.  
"God, you're both stubborn," Sam snickered.  
Manda laughed. "That is one of the ways we're alike."  
"He told me to leave it alone when I said I'd call Church and ask her if she knew what was up between you."  
"Have you talked to her lately?" Manda asked him.  
"Last week, why?"  
"Just wondering."  
"Okay..." Sam wondered why she had asked, but didn't bother to pursue it any further. He knew they were friends and that Manda talked to Chuch more than he did.  
"Well, as much as I love to hang around a bar until the early morning hours, I'm gonna get going."  
"I'll walk you out in case that guy is waiting around outside for you," Sam said.  
"I can take care of myself, but sure." Manda agreed knowing it was easier that way.  
Both of them got up from the table, and then Sam walked with her out of the bar and over to her car.  
"Thanks, Sam." She smiled at him as she opened the door of her black 1973 Chevrolet Chevelle SS.  
"You're okay to drive?" He would offer to drive her to her hotel if she needed it since she'd been at the bar before they had gotten there.  
"Yeah, and I think you better stay that way too. Dean looks like he's hitting it pretty hard tonight."  
"I noticed, didn't think you did." Sam was surprised since he'd only seen her look over at Dean once when they had been talking.  
"I noticed," Manda admitted. "As much as I tried not to, I noticed." Her eyes went soft for a second then went back to being hard to read.  
"He noticed you too, you know? Especially when that guy had his hands on you." Sam thought she needed to hear that.  
"Oh... good for him," she paused. "Anyway, thanks again… night."  
"Night, Manda."  
Manda got in her car and started it up while Sam started to walk back to the bar.  
He was almost at the doors when she pulled up in her car alongside of him and stopped. "I know you always do it, but look after him, Sam. And like I said before, please leave it alone."  
"Uh… all right." Sam didn't know what else to say, he was still finding this whole thing odd.  
Manda waved at him and then drove off.  
Sam stood there for a moment finding it a bit funny that although she played it tough, she still cared. That made her a lot Dean in his mind. He wondered who had been more scared of the other and if they would ever put this tension behind them in order to be a little friendlier to each other like they had been before.  
Wandering back into the bar, Sam called Church to find out what she knew and the stuff Manda had probably told her but not him. And then when he was done talking with her it would be time to deal with a drunken Dean.

[ - ]

Manda was back in her hotel room watching some crappy movie. She wasn't really watching it though, and had only put it on for the noise, the distraction it could offer. But it didn't seem to be working for her.  
The night hadn't gone quite the way she had planned. She had gone to the bar to have a few drinks to help her forget she'd run into Dean, but then him and Sam had shown up some time after she'd already been there. It just figured that once again something was throwing them into the same place at the same time when all she wanted to do was forget.  
But what was she going to do? Skip town and leave like he obviously wanted her to even when she felt that there was a job somewhere here. Manda decided she would give it one more day and one more night, and then she was leaving. If nothing happened in that time, then that was it - she was out of this town and leaving it, Dean Winchester, and all the drama she had with him behind.  
So what if Sam had told her he had noticed her with that guy, and then the comment about him staring at her when she'd been at the bar getting drinks? None of that matter. She was and never would be anyone Dean wanted to be around, not after how she had treated him.  
Manda tried to reason with why she had lashed out at him with wicked words again, and she'd come to one conclusion. It was easier for her to have pushed him away than it would have been to let herself fall for him. One night wasn't worth what she'd be left with – a longing for someone she could never have. The hunter lifestyle wouldn't let it happen for more than a night or two, he wouldn't let it happen either, and neither would she. Actually, she knew she couldn't let it happen. So she had spit out hurtful words and acted like a stone cold bitch instead. She was sorry for it, but there was no turning back time, and he hadn't been and wouldn't be interested in whatever apology she could try to give him for it once again.  
Manda turned off the movie, let the quiet sink in around her, and started trying to push everything, and most of all, Dean, out of her mind.

[ - ]

Sam had talked to Church for awhile. While he'd been on the phone with her, he'd kept his eye on Dean, who had finished off almost the whole bottle of tequila either by himself or with the girl that had been with him awhile ago. She had left when it was clear he was too wasted to be of any use to her, and he had continued to drink.  
"Come on, Dean, time to go," Sam said as he walked up beside his brother who was now sitting on a stool at the bar.  
Dean finished the shot he had in front of him, smacked the glass back on the bar. "Sh-she g-g-gone?" he slurred out his question, taking a deep breath when he was done.  
"Yeah, she left awhile ago." Sam wasn't sure if he was talking about Manda or the blonde that had been keeping him company.  
"Good."  
"Can you walk?"  
"'Course." Dean stood up and stumbled backwards as he lost his footing, knowing then he was drunker than he had thought.  
Sam steadied his brother. He had to slouch a bit to support Dean properly. "I got you. Let's go."  
"Thanks, Sammy," Dean grinned drunkenly.  
Sam helped Dean walk to the car, helped him get into the passenger's seat, and then climbed into the driver's seat. "Keys?"  
Dean reached in his pocket, pulled out the keys and tried to hand them to Sam, but missed his hand. "Quit movin' your hand, Sammy."  
"I'm not." Sam reached out and took the keys from Dean. "You're just seeing doubles or triples by now."  
Dean laughed. "So that's what it is… wondered what was up with your hands."  
Sam shook his head and fired up the Impala's engine. Dean was on the verge of passing out as they pulled out of the lot and drove back to the hotel.  
Once Sam had parked the car out in front of their room, he shook Dean. "Wake up, Dean."  
"Mmhhh." Dean's eyes fluttered open. "What?"  
Sam got out, walked around and opened the passenger door. "Come on."  
Dean was having trouble standing up, but he'd gotten half way out and Sam had pulled him the rest of the way out and up. Then he helped Dean walk from the car to their room.  
"Another few steps and we're there." He hadn't seen his brother this drunk in a long time now, and he was almost sure what had caused it – seeing Manda.  
"Wha- what did I do, Sam?" Dean muttered out the question. "Why's… she… she so…"  
"Who?" Sam thought he could guess who the she might be, but apparently Dean didn't want to say her name.  
"Y-y-you know… her."  
Sam opened the door, walked Dean to his bed and eased him down to sit. "Her?"  
"Who?" Dean asked as he fell back on his bed.  
"Never mind. Sleep it off, Dean." He took off his brother's shoes for him and then shook his head again as he saw Dean had already passed out and was snoring.  
Sam had never seen his brother get this way over any girl. This wasn't like Dean at all. He figured that whatever Manda had said had really hurt Dean, which would be hard for the older Winchester to handle. It was either that or just that he had liked her enough to let her get under his skin, and that was something that would be even harder for Dean to deal with. But now the younger Winchester wondered if it was both.


	3. Chapter 3

It was mid afternoon by the time Dean woke up. His head hurt and he felt like crap as he lay there for awhile staring at the ceiling. So maybe the tequila had been a bad idea, he thought as he sat up.  
"Still drunk?" Sam's voice came from the other bed in the room.  
Dean rubbed his eyes. "Hung over. Tequila kicked my ass, and it didn't go by the name of Tila."  
"One hangover cure waiting on the table, get at it," Sam teased.  
Dean gagged. "Sammy, give me a few minutes."  
"Take all the time you need. We've got nothing much going on today." Sam had taken care of a few things this morning, but there was nothing much else for him to do now.  
"Nothing? No job popped up yet?" Dean was sort of surprised and sort of glad, he wouldn't be good to do anything much for another few hours anyway.  
"Nope. I might call Manda and ask her though."  
Dean groaned. "Don't."  
"Don't what? Say her name or call her?" Sam wanted to laugh as he teased his brother again.  
"Both." Dean rubbed his eyes with one hand again, got out of bed and then headed to the bathroom to shower.  
When Dean came out, he was feeling just a bit better after a long hot shower, and Sam wasn't there anymore. There was no note and the car keys were still on the table beside some food that was waiting for him.  
He grabbed a glass of water, chugged it, and sat down. When he opened up the container with the food it in, he felt sick and wanted to gag again. But he knew he had to eat, so he started to. Then he ran back to the bathroom and threw up a few times because he shouldn't have even bothered.  
The front door opened and Sam came back in the room just as Dean came back out of the bathroom.  
"Better?" Sam asked looking at Dean.  
"Yeah."  
"You hit it pretty hard last night, Dean." Sam had decided he would pry just a little for the reason as to why Dean had gotten wasted.  
"Spare me the after-school special, Mom," Dean said jokingly.  
"Does that have anything to do with Manda?" Sam shot the question back.  
"No!" It came out too quickly, too hard, too defensive. "No," he said a little more nonchalantly this time.  
"She told me what happened between both of you." Sam was pushing, and even though he didn't like to, he wanted to just a bit more.  
"So she told you she was a bitch then. Good for her." Dean's tone was bitter.  
"Dean, I know she was mean to you, but…"  
Dean cut Sam off. "But you don't know shit about it, Sam. You know what she told you and I doubt she told you all of it."  
"I know that you hurt her, Dean. And that you don't see it or know. Or should I say you don't even care?" Sam was waiting for the snap as he knew it would be coming soon enough.  
Dean laughed. "Hurt her? That's hysterical, you giving stand up a try?"  
"She was hurt, still is if you ask me." Sam didn't know why Dean couldn't see that he had hurt her.  
"I sure as hell didn't ask you," Dean said and then walked over to the table and grabbed his keys. "I'm going out." He walked out of the room in a hurry. He didn't want to hear what Sam had to say, and he wasn't going to talk about it.  
Sam knew he had hit a nerve when the snap finally came. He knew that Dean had gotten wasted to forget something, or to avoid it. He also knew couldn't pry anymore because Dean was like a fortress at holding things in, and apparently Manda was a sore subject he had locked up tightly. 

[ - ]

Manda had spent the morning and part of the afternoon doing some interviews. She was convinced there was a case here, and it never hurt to follow up on a few things to look for it. So it was another morning and afternoon playing the role of agent Benatar for her.  
She had come across a few interesting things though and started to believe that there was a vengeful spirit at work here. If she was right, then another body should pop up within the next day or so unless she could find a way to stop it before then. But nothing was panning out to give her anything concrete to follow. So, she'd wait a few days and see if anything else happened during that time.  
As she was leaving the last interview, Manda checked her phone to find that Church had left her a text message asking her to call her ASAP. She got in her car and dialled Church who picked up after a few rings.  
"Hey, Manda," Church said.  
"Church… what's with the ASAP, everything all right?"  
"Nothing much, just taking a few days off in between jobs. Need a small break… I hear you're pretty much doing the same. Oh, and I also heard that you ran into Sam and Dean." Church had said their names teasingly to start seeing what she was going to get out of Manda about the whole thing.  
"Sam called you didn't he?" Manda knew she didn't need to bother to ask, but she did anyway.  
"Yes, and he filled me in on all the tension between you and Dean. So, you two haven't kissed and made up yet, I take it." Church was teasing her now.  
Manda groaned.  
"Ooooh, she's got nothing to say for once, nothing witty or sarcastic either, just a groan." Church laughed.  
Manda just sat there in her car with the phone pressed to her ear not saying anything.  
"Your silence is profound you know."  
"Yeah, it speaks volumes, unlike your humour," Manda snapped at Church.  
"Ouch, sounds like someone woke up on the same side of the bed as Dean did today." Church laughed again.  
"Sorry," Manda paused, "and what's that supposed to mean?"  
"Interested now are you?" Church laughed again.  
"No, but what'd he do?" Manda wasn't about to admit she was interested. "I just want to know what you meant by that, and obviously he did something."  
"Oh nothing really… only went and got wasted out of his mind is all. Hmm, I wonder what led to that..." Church was baiting her, waiting for the reaction she knew her friend was trying avoid letting out.  
"Maybe he was just overjoyed to see me and had to celebrate," Manda said sarcastically. "How the hell should I know why he got that wasted?"  
"Where are you right now?" Church asked her.  
"Um… I'm in my car, why?" Manda wondered what that had to do with anything.  
"Good. Now ask the mirror, it holds the answer." Church giggled loudly.  
"Ha-ha, how funny," Manda said as she let her eyes find the rear view mirror and she looked at herself for a second. "I had nothing to do with him getting trashed."  
"The way I see it, your mere presence is what caused it." Church wasn't teasing anymore.  
"Guess I shouldn't walk into an AA meeting then, especially if my presence causes people to get drunk." Manda was still hiding behind the sarcasm. "Maybe he should have picked a different bar then. Or was he just blind and didn't notice my car parked outside of it?"  
"Somehow I think that even if he did see it, he still chose to go in. Call it a hunch."  
"Yeah just so he could remind me that I turned him down by ignoring me and then hitting on some random girl that I'll never be right in front of me. Because that's what he did," Manda outburst was angry, but there was some sadness in her voice as well.  
"Finally, it's about time. I knew I'd get something out of you one way or another." Church had been waiting for it, and now she'd heard a bit of it.  
Manda went quiet, regretting that she'd let it get it to her and that she had allowed it to slip out.  
Church heard the silence and wondered what was going on. "Manda? Are you still there?"  
"Uh huh." Manda kept it short.  
"God, you're both so stubborn. You pushed him away remember." Church wasn't taking sides, just pointing out the obvious.  
"I know, but I only did that because…" Manda stopped, went quiet again.  
"Because what? Hello?!"  
"Because he… he… I let… that night…" Manda was choking on the words as she remembered what had happened. "It doesn't matter, he left anyway." She had regained control of herself now.  
It didn't make sense to Church, and she didn't know how to get it out of Manda. "You let what? What did he do? And don't you think he only left because he thought that's what you wanted?"  
"Look, I gotta go. Talk to you soon." Manda hung up before Church could press her for anymore or get another word in.  
There were certain things she had left out when she'd told Church about what had happened. And Manda had no doubt in her mind that only she and Dean knew what those things were because they were the only ones that had been there, and neither of them were the type who was going to share some of those details with anyone else.

[ - ]

Dean drove around for awhile with the stereo cranked up loud. His head still hurt and the classic rock wasn't helping, but he didn't care. He'd endure the pain if he could just drown out the thoughts in his head.  
He found a small place where he could grab a coffee to go, and then sat in the car with the music playing while he sipped on it.  
As Dean sat there he replayed what Sam had said. He had hit the bottle hard last night, and it probably did have a lot to do with Manda. Seeing her again, watching her with that guy, and then when that guy wanted to fight with her – it was like his blood was boiling. He knew it was amazing that he hadn't squeezed the beer bottle hard enough to break it in his hand.  
Then when she had come over to their table, he just felt that he had to get away from her.  
Why had he let her to get to him this way? What made her different from the rest? Maybe it was because she was a lot like him. When they'd hung out before he found out that Manda knew more than he did about music, could get his movie references, and that she even knew enough about cars but not nearly as much as he did.  
She was also very witty and sarcastic which made her fairly funny to him. She was smart too, and he had found her pretty damn attractive. He liked that Manda wasn't too butch or too feminine, or a tomboy either, but just the right amount of everything to keep her girly and still come off as someone you shouldn't mess with when she needed to.  
But she could be really stubborn, bitchy and a pain in the ass as well. She knew how to get on someone's nerves easily, and would do it if she had to.  
So Manda had really gotten to Dean. He had liked her, and then that one night she hadn't just looked at him, but instead she had looked right through him and told him what was there. Sure, she'd been pretty drunk, but somehow her words had been too right. She'd turned him down, said some things that hurt, and then told him to get out. He'd played it cool at the time because that's what he did, and damned if he was going to let Manda know her words had hurt him and her rejection had stung quite a bit. So the next morning Dean just left and didn't look back. Well, he hadn't looked back all that much until now, but only because it was impossible to ignore it when they'd run into her at the morgue and she had been standing there in front of him.  
And now Sam told him he had hurt her?  
He wondered how he had hurt Manda exactly, and if it was anywhere near what she'd done to him.  
Maybe it had been a bit rude and harsh to have just left without saying anything and then ignored the few attempts she had made to contact him, but it's not like they had hooked up properly or been dating. And Manda had been the one that kicked him out after saying some spiteful things.  
Dean wondered if she realized that he had only done what she had told him to do – leave her alone and forget they had met.  
But for Sam to have the nerve to say he didn't care that he'd hurt her. How could he admit that he did care and even felt kind of bad about what he'd done when she didn't even seem to like him? And if she was still hurt by it as Sam thought she was, then she was doing a good job of hiding it from him.  
Dean started up the car and drove around aimlessly again. He felt a bit like Sam probably would over a girl and it was driving him nuts. He didn't like having to think about his feelings or her feelings and wondering what to do about everything.  
He turned up the music even louder and tried to get Manda out of his thoughts. But he knew she was under his skin, and that was a place where few girls had ever gotten, and maybe not ever as deeply as she seemed to be now.

[ - ]

Manda was driving back to the spot near her room in the parking lot of the hotel when she spotted a familiar face walking away from the vending machines. She honked the horn at Sam and saw him turn his head to look and then begin to walk over when he recognized her car. She put the car in park, got out, and waited.  
"Following me, Agent Benatar?" Sam joked with her as he walked up to where she was.  
Manda laughed. "God, is this possible? First I run into you yesterday at the morgue, then again at the bar, and now I find out I'm staying at the same place as you."  
"Bad luck?" Sam chuckled thinking she probably thought so since Dean was staying here too. He couldn't wait to see his brother's reaction when he found out she was here.  
"Something like that," she half joked, half told the truth.  
"Did you find a lead? Or do you just like dressing the part?" He chuckled.  
"Actually it's not too bad dressing the part. Thank god female agents mostly wear pant suits. And I was just following a few things up."  
"You definitely pull off the female pant suit well," Sam complimented her because it did work for her. Even though she was attractive, she wasn't his type, but he had to admit she'd chosen her suits well. They were snug all the right places, and he knew his brother probably thought so too because he'd seen Dean's eyes checking her out in that way yesterday. "So did you find anything?"  
Manda laughed. "Uh, thanks, Sam. And actually I could use your help. I'm almost certain it's a vengeful spirit that's responsible for that guy's death, but I'm not entirely sure."  
"Why do you think that?"  
"Just a hunch. Plus the one interview I did today… something didn't seem right." The man she had interviewed had told her something weird, and it didn't seem to add up to her.  
"I guess we missed something then." Sam wasn't sure how, but if she had seen or heard something, then they should have as well.  
She could see Sam was trying to figure out what they had missed. "Guess you didn't hear the rumour from the guy who found the body."  
"Didn't get a chance to talk to him. He wasn't around yesterday or this morning when I went to his place." Sam had gone by himself while Dean had still been sleeping off his bender.  
"Ah, I just caught him before I came back here."  
"Guess I'll have to try again when Dean gets back with the car."  
"So he's alive today then?" She didn't want to ask, but since Sam had brought him up, Manda figured she might as well.  
Sam laughed. "Barely."  
"Doesn't surprise me with the way he was throwing them back. What was his problem?"  
"Yeah, uh… guess he just had a reason to drink hard." Sam didn't want to say it had been her, but she should have known that she was most likely the reason.  
"Well, after you talk to that guy, can you let me know what you think? If it's nothing or if nothing else happens in the next day, I'm not sure I want to waste anymore time around here if I don't have to. Even though it's been, uh… nice seeing you guys again… at least you anyway." Manda wasn't lying there. She liked Sam, he was friendly, easy to talk to and not bad on the eyes either.  
"You should talk to him, Manda. Just talk to him." Sam didn't want to meddle, but figured he should just a little. It was obvious they would need to confront each other sooner or later.  
"I'm not sure I have anything to say to him, and even if I did, he's not interested in hearing it. He's made that clear." Manda was convinced Dean wouldn't be interested in anything she had to say at all.  
"You might be surprised." Sam believed Dean probably would listen to her if she asked him to.  
"What does it matter? He's done with me and I'm done with him." Her face was serious.  
Sam thought she looked like she truly believed the words she'd just spoken. "I don't believe that, not when I see the way you're both behaving towards each other."  
"Fine… then just tell Dean I asked you to let him know I wanted to talk to him. We'll see if he chooses to stop by my room." She regretted saying it after she had, but she couldn't take it back.  
"Okay, what number are you in?" Sam asked even though he knew this could be trouble.  
"Twenty-five, but don't hold your breath if you think he's going to knock on my door." Manda didn't expect Dean would show up, not even if someone dragged him over to her room.  
"I know he will. Oh, and we're in number ten if you need anything." Sam smiled.  
"All right, you're far enough away from my room thankfully. Oh, and you owe me a drink if he doesn't." Manda got back in her car.  
"And you owe me one if he does." Sam smiled at her. "I'll call you after I talk to that guy."  
"Okay, and thanks. Not that I want to share a job with you guys, but sometimes you just have to do things you don't want to," she said with a hint of pain in her voice. Then she held up her hand and tipped it at him in a wave.  
"True." Sam wondered what she had meant by that as he nodded at her and then headed back to his room.  
Manda drove her car around to the back of the hotel and parked before she headed into her room.  
Neither Sam nor Manda had noticed that Dean had come back while they'd been talking. He'd seen her car as he pulled into the lot and decided to park right by the entrance and exit so they wouldn't notice he had returned.  
As Dean had watched them talking, he had felt a twinge of envy towards Sam because he couldn't bring himself to talk to Manda that easily anymore, even though he wanted to.


	4. Chapter 4

Dean made his way back into his and Sam's room and found the younger Winchester on the phone. He sat down on the bed as he heard Sam quickly tell whoever it was he would call them back. He figured it was Ruby, but then was surprised to hear the name Church instead.  
"Hey," Sam said.  
"Hey."  
"So, there might be a job here after all. Manda thinks she found a lead, could be a spirit. I said I'd go talk to this guy and let her know what I think." Sam wondered how Dean would react at the mention of her name.  
Dean was quiet as he realized that's what they'd been talking about. He should have figured – she was dressed in one of her agent outfits. "You want the car?"  
"You don't want to come along?"  
"Nah, I still feel like crap. You take care of it." Dean really didn't feel like going to do an interview.  
"Okay. So um, listen… she wants to talk to you." Sam had been unsure of how to bring it up at first but then figured he'd just do it.  
Dean looked at Sam. His eyes registered a look of shock for a split second before it disappeared. "What?"  
"Manda, she wants to talk to you." Sam knew Dean had heard him right the first time because he'd seen the surprise on his face.  
"Great." It didn't come out sarcastic, just flat and a bit pissed off.  
"She wants you to stop by her room. She's over in twenty-five. Guess you were right yesterday when you guessed she'd be at the same hotel," Sam said.  
"Either I've got a direct line to some late night psychic hotline or she's a stalker." Now he was being sarcastic.  
"Dean, both of you have to deal with whatever it is you did to each other. The only way to do that is for you to talk to each other, and you're going to have to do it sooner or later. So if you're not coming with me, then maybe you should just get it over with," Sam suggested, but he wasn't sure if Dean would listen to him or not.  
"Thanks for the input, Dr. Phil. So where do you get your wisdom and advice from anyway, Sam? A fortune cookie or the back of a cereal box?" Dean was snapping now and hoping Sam would drop it already.  
"Just do it. Talk to her, yell at her. I don't care. Just go work out whatever issue it is you have with her." Sam really didn't care how they worked it out, but he figured they should.  
"It's not that easy, Sammy." Dean dropped the sarcasm and went for honest instead.  
Sam knew Dean was just being stubborn and impossible once again. "Sure it is. You put one foot in front of the other, walk over there, knock on her door and then talk to her."  
"You wanna draw me a map so I don't get lost? Maybe write me a script too?" The sarcasm was back.  
Sam laughed. "Sure, opening line goes something like 'My name is Dean and I can't help it if sometimes I'm a jerk.'"  
"Bitch." Dean sneered.  
They looked at each other for a moment and then both of them laughed. It had been awhile since they'd referred to each other using those insults.  
"I better go and try to talk to the guy that found the body. Find out if there is a case here."  
"Sure." Dean tossed Sam the keys to the Impala.  
"And if there isn't, she's out of here, Dean. She told me so. So if you've got something to say to her, you better do it soon." Sam went to get dressed in his suit.  
Dean sat there thinking. A small part of him hoped there wasn't a job here. That would mean she would leave, they would leave, and he'd be able to get her out of his head. But a bigger part of him hoped there was a job here. That way he'd still be able to see her and maybe find a way to work things out with her.  
"And, Dean, try to be nice to her," Sam said as he left.  
"I'm not sure either of us deserves nice." Dean's words were spoken to the empty room and he was alone with his thoughts again since Sam had left. It wasn't long before he found himself leaving the room and walking over to number twenty-five even if it was against his better judgement.

[ - ]

Manda was sitting at the table playing on her laptop when the knock on the door came. She jumped, not expecting it even though she knew it had been a possibility.  
She got up, went to the door, and looked through the peephole to see Dean's face. "Shit, Sam was right," she whispered to herself.  
Dean knocked again.  
Manda opened the door. "I didn't think you'd come."  
"I didn't want to." Dean checked her out as she stood there in the doorway. She was still wearing the pants from the suit and a camisole that wasn't too revealing, but it looked good on her. He noticed she'd ditched the blazer to the suit on the bed that he could see when he looked past her. Her long wavy hair was clipped up loosely and she had gone easy on the makeup, just some lip gloss and some light eye shadow, but nothing else as far as he could tell. Dean had to admit to himself that she did look hot. Actually she was gorgeous in his opinion, had been from the first time he'd met her if he was honest with himself.  
"Fair enough." Manda moved out of the way. "Come in."  
Dean walked into her room and closed the door behind him. He noticed two pink scars that started on her right shoulder and kept going somewhere down her back as she walked back to the table and closed the laptop. They must have been pretty recent too because he thought they still looked a bit raw. "When'd you get those scars?"  
Manda's shoulders went rigid for a brief moment as she turned around to look at him after he asked about her scars. She'd gotten them a few days after he had left and she had gone on a hunt. She'd been distracted by her feelings and ended up getting injured pretty well because of it. "Uh, week after all of us went our separate ways after helping Church. My fault though… got careless and threw myself into a job I thought I could handle."  
There was something in her voice that Dean couldn't make out. He thought it might have been remorse, but he wasn't sure. "Looks like it hurt."  
"You have no idea." She said it strangely as her eyes looked into his and seemed to be full of sadness.  
He wondered what that meant, wondered if maybe somehow he had been part of whatever had caused her to be as she put it – careless. "You wanted to talk to me?"  
"Did you want to sit down?"  
"I'll stand." Dean didn't figure he'd be here for very long so there was no reason to sit.  
"Okay." Manda didn't bother to sit either because she wanted to keep the field between them even. So she stood there, pushed the chair back under the table and held onto the top of it.  
"So, what do you want?" He was guarded, but curious.  
"I don't know, Dean. Maybe I just said I wanted to talk to you and figured that you wouldn't show up." Manda was already starting out with her sarcasm, it was hard not to.  
"Well surprise, I'm here." Dean didn't believe she was already starting out that way, so he just did it back.  
She looked at him trying to read his face, but he was showing nothing. "Can we just cut the bullshit for a moment here? Drop the attitude that isn't cute or funny?"  
"Maybe yours isn't, but my attitude is damn adorable. Even you thought so too once." He smiled grudgingly.  
Manda rolled her eyes. "Maybe it was for just a moment when you weren't being the ass you are every other minute of the day."  
Dean's jaw tightened, he knew where this was headed. "Did you only want to talk to me to rehash that night? Insult me some more and then kick me out again? Because I have to say, been there, done that and the t-shirt wasn't worth buying, sweetheart."  
He was looking to hurt with a cheap shot, and while Manda felt it, she ignored it to appear that he wasn't getting to her with that kind of comment. She sighed. "No, I didn't, but I guess we just can't even talk without attacking each other. I thought maybe we could be civil, but I see that I was wrong."  
"You were wrong about a lot of things, me included." Dean was getting defensive now.  
"What do you want me to say, Dean? You want me to apologize? Because I tried that already. I called you a few times, sent you a few texts too, and you ignored me. So tell me how I got you wrong?" Manda raised her voice, but wasn't yelling just yet.  
Dean was angry now, and not just because of what she was saying, but because she was right. If she had been wrong about him then he wouldn't have ignored her. But he had, and now he was here listening to her tear into him again. And once again it hurt. "You're the one that told me to forget we ever met, Manda. And I did. I left, forgot, and moved on." He hoped it hurt, even if it was a lie.  
"Okay, I don't remember saying that." It was true. There were pieces she still couldn't remember.  
"What would you remember saying? You were drunk." He felt like he was tossing it in her face that she'd be intoxicated, but she had been. He was just pointing out the obvious now in case she'd forgotten.  
"And you weren't, but that was the only way you could make a move on me, right? Waiting until I was drunk so any emotion I might have had for you would have been weakened and almost gone so it would be easier for you to leave afterwards. It was pathetic, and I remember realizing and saying that much to you." She knew it would hurt him to bring up something specific that she did remember.  
"I must have been having a Britney head shaving moment. It won't happen again." His voice was serious and louder than before.  
"Thank the lord for small miracles," Manda said sharply.  
They stared at each other, both of them filled with anger and a whole lot of pain.  
Dean turned to leave. "If that's all you wanted, then we're done."  
"Go, Dean, run again. You're getting good at it." She was just throwing it in his face now, knowing it would rile him.  
He turned around to look at her again. "I didn't run, you told me to go, so I did." Dean had almost shouted it out at her.  
"And it hurt the way you left and then ignored me," Manda said quietly. There, she had finally admitted it out loud.  
"Hurt? That would imply you had a heart, Manda, and from what I remember, you don't," Dean's said it with a loud and severe tone. He knew it would cut in to her, but right now he didn't care. She was pushing all the right buttons to irk him.  
Manda flinched as the words hit her, and she gripped the chair tight enough to turn her knuckles white. He was looking to really hurt her now, so she thought fast about how she could do it back. "I didn't ask you to come here so we could spar with each other. I was going to say I was sorry, but if that's how you're going to be… then fine. I stand by what I said that night. You're scared to feel anything for anyone besides Sam. You'll always be emotionally unavailable, Dean, because you like being that way. One day you'll regret it though and by then you'll have nothing left but Sam, if he's still around that is. But fine, if that terrified to feel little boy inside of you loves to distance himself from everyone else and his own feelings, then by all means keep doing what you're doing and knock yourself out."  
"So says the woman who pretends to be tough as nails but hides the scared little girl she really is behind it. And that's just what you showed me and exactly what I saw when I got too close to you. But the pot always likes calling the kettle to shift the focus off itself right?" He stared hard at her knowing that he had just fired a loaded response back at her. But it served her right when she'd taken a strip out of him again.  
"Guess that's why it was so easy for you to run away from me then, you recognized something in me that you hate in yourself." She stared back at him, her eyes hardened and cold.  
"And I guess that's what you liked about me." Dean threw it back at her knowing this would be the end of this fight now.  
"Get out," Manda yelled at him as she was unable to keep her cool any longer.  
"With pleasure this time," Dean said harshly, and then left slamming the door behind him.  
Manda sank to the floor and tried not to cry. He'd gotten to her, and this time he'd done it the way she had done to him that night – he looked right through her and aimed a cannon of pain at the heart.


	5. Chapter 5

Dean lied on his bed and tried to relax.  
He smacked a hand hard against the wall behind him because he felt like hitting something. His pulse was racing from the anger that still rushed through him.  
It hadn't gone the way he wanted, not at all. He had gone over there hoping that maybe they could put it behind them, but almost right away they'd both launched in and starting picking a fight.  
Manda had pushed his buttons in all the right places, and he had pushed hers right back too. Dean knew he'd probably just hurt her pretty good by matching her remarks with his own. A lot of it had been mean, but didn't the truth hurt?  
He was angry, but he was also hurt. And now he felt like an ass. She had gotten to him again, and this time he couldn't run away just yet. He had to wait for Sam and then if there was a job to work here, they would probably take it. Or they could let Manda have it, if she already didn't want to leave now that was.  
Dean was sure he'd pushed Manda to that point because she'd definitely pushed him to it. He wanted out, but then he'd go right ahead and prove her right again. It bothered him that she was right. Right about so much when it came to him. But they were alike a fair bit and so it shouldn't have surprised him that she nailed a lot of it when it came to him.  
"Aghhhhh," Dean sort of yelled out loud to the empty room. His headache had returned and intensified, and he couldn't get the words that he and Manda had just shared with each other out of his head.  
He had seen the pain on her face and in her eyes when he'd basically called her heartless, and again when he'd called her a scared little girl, but that's what she was. Manda had said he was scared to feel? She was worse though, because after she had opened up a bit to him and let him get close, she had pulled away fast. As soon as Dean had kissed her that night, she shut down on him. Her attack came quick and hard to push him away to make him leave because she apparently couldn't handle him being that close.  
But she was right about how he had waited until she was drunk to even go for it. Dean figured that when Manda had let him get close she had been letting herself feel something for him. She must have known he was interested as well, but maybe he had taken the wrong approach.  
Dean had felt that it was easier to make a play for her that way. Easier to go after her when her guard was lowered thanks to a few drinks and she was less likely to think too much and more likely to just let herself go for it. He had liked her a lot and maybe it had scared him by how much he actually did, and same with possibly learning the extent of how much she might have liked him in return. So that's the way he went about it, and now he knew it had been wrong.  
Dean figured he had screwed this one up bad, but so had she. But even if things had been different, it's not like they could have been together for more than a few days, and then maybe they'd run into each other once in awhile or never again. And that wasn't all Dean had wanted with Manda. While it might have been fun and probably nothing short of great since their chemistry had been undeniable, it would have been too short.  
They had been able to talk about a lot of things, laugh, and joke around. Even their banter had been a turn on for him. She could take a joke or a sarcastic comment from him and give it back just as good if not better. They'd obviously had a mutual attraction to each other that he thought had been strong, and chances were the sex would have been amazing. Dean guessed that a few days together probably wouldn't have been enough for either of them though. But it's not like he would ever find out now. And that bugged him. She bugged him. He bugged him.  
Dean sighed, threw a couple of quarters into the slot beside the bed and tried to let the vibrating massage it could do work some magic on him just as Sam came back.  
"So, do we have a job or not?" Dean asked.  
"Looks like it. I think Manda was right, there's a spirit around here. We just have to do a little more research." Sam went and sat on his bed, and then looked at his brother and laughed.  
"Okay, why are you not smiling to yourself as your bed vibrates?" He found it weird since Dean usually enjoyed it little too much.  
"No reason." It came out pissed off sounding.  
"I'm going to go out on a limb here… you talked to Manda and it didn't go so well." Sam was guessing, but he was sure he was right.  
"He hasn't lost his psychic powers after all." Dean's bed stopped vibrating and he sighed.  
"So, is that the reason she isn't picking up her phone?" Sam had called her, but there was no answer.  
"Could be." Dean was keeping his answers short. He knew Sam was going to try to get it out of him, and that maybe he should tell him about it. He also knew his brother was more sensitive than he was, even if he had changed since Dean had gone to and come back from Hell.  
"What'd you do, Dean?" It went without saying that Sam knew what an ass the older Winchester could be.  
"I went around to talk to her like you said and we ended up fighting. I was an asshole and she wasn't any better, end of story." That's all the information he was going to give.  
Sam hadn't seen that admission coming, but there it was. "You couldn't let yourself be nice to her could you?"  
"Sammy, it's done." It came out sounding so final, as if he was throwing the towel in and walking away. Dean thought maybe he was.  
"So, do you want to take this job or leave it to her?" Sam had to ask, because he was sure Dean would want to stay. But if they stayed and she stayed, this could be trouble.  
"Doesn't matter to me. I want to leave, but I want a hunt too." Dean was looking to destroy something. It was the only way to get out the anger he had at her and himself that was now festering inside of him.  
"Then we'll stay. But I'll talk to her, find out if she's going to stay or leave," Sam said not knowing what would happen if she decided to stay now.  
"Good luck with that," Dean scoffed.  
Sam could tell Dean was angry, but it ran deeper than that. He had a few ideas on how his brother could smooth things over with Manda, but he was going to leave it alone. If Dean was that bugged by her, he'd find a way to fix it somehow.  
"I'm going out for some food, you want anything?" Dean asked.  
"No, I grabbed something before."  
"Okay." Dean grabbed his keys, phone, and jacket, and then he left.  
Sam changed out of his suit and into normal clothes. Now that Dean was gone, he was going to try to get a hold of Manda again. He called her and found her phone was off now. Her voice mail had picked up right away.  
So he went by her room, but after a few minutes she hadn't answered. He found it kind of weird then because her car was still parked out front, and he hadn't seen or heard any movement from her room.  
Sam walked away wondering if Manda was inside and just ignoring him because of Dean. He'd check again in awhile to see if she was around, because maybe she'd just needed some time to cool off after her fight with Dean. He often did himself.

[ - ]

Manda was back at the bar she'd been at the night before. It was fairly close to the hotel and so she hadn't needed to take her car. She planned on walking back to her room, if she could walk that was. She knew she might have to crawl her way back there with how drunk she intended to get.  
Tonight she was going to get herself wasted. She had started earlier on rum and coke, then had a few gin and tonics, and had just switched to shots now. Vodka, tequila, it didn't matter. Manda had a bottle of each and was going to keep alternating which one she was drinking from. Or that was plan as she was looking not to just forget Dean, but to erase him from her mind.  
She was sitting right at the bar again tonight, listening to whatever came on the jukebox, and kicking back her drinks. Awhile ago she'd punched in a couple of songs she wanted to hear and one had finally come on now.  
She drank harder, three shots in a row, and swayed on the stool as she let Janis Joplin sing 'Piece of My Heart' loud and clear to her. It fit her mood right then, because Dean hadn't gone for just a piece, he had gone ahead and torn out a large chunk of her heart with what he'd said instead.  
Then Manda remembered that according to him, she didn't have a heart. Another shot went down her throat as she heard his voice ringing in her head with the hurtful words.  
It was clear then that it was going to be harder than she thought to forget him, never mind erase him.  
It was a few minutes and two more shots later when a guy came up and sat beside her. They started chatting about something, and then after a few minutes he bought her a drink even though she had the two bottles of alcohol in front of her.  
Manda found him pretty cute. It could have been the shot glass eyes kicking in that made her think so, but it didn't matter. He'd be a great distraction, and she was going to be drunk enough not to care where she ended up or with who come the end of this night. As long as it wasn't Dean, she was good to go – and at least this guy seemed to like her, or maybe just wanted her, even if it was only for tonight.

[ - ]

Dean had been back for awhile now and Sam still hadn't heard from Manda. He figured that whatever Dean had said to her, she had needed a long time to cool off from. But she should have at least called him back by now. Manda had wanted his opinion, and now she was nowhere to be found. Her phone was still off and he was going to go by her room again to see if she was back yet.  
Sam got up and started to leave.  
"Going out?" Dean was on his laptop, and he'd noticed Sam get up and head to the door.  
"Just going to see if Manda's back yet… it's been a couple of hours, Dean, she should have called by now." Sam looked at his brother.  
"Doubt it, Sam. You'll hear from her whenever she's done being pissed off." Dean didn't bother to look up from the screen.  
"Well, still doesn't hurt to check. She's staying in the same hotel after all."  
"Tell her I said hi,' Dean joked. "And if she decks you, it's not my fault."  
Sam sighed and left. He walked back around the side of the building and headed to Manda's room.  
Her car was still there, and when Sam reached her door he saw the room was in darkness through the window near it. The curtains weren't shut all the way and he could see there was no light on inside. He knocked on the door anyway, thinking maybe she was just sitting in there in the dark, too angry to move or turn on a light ot something.  
"Manda, it's me, Sam. If you're in there, could you open up?" He waited a few moments, listened and heard nothing.  
Sam wasn't worried, but it was weird. If she'd gone to blow off steam, she should have been back by now. The fight between her and Dean had happened hours ago.  
He looked around to see if anyone was lurking about or watching, and was thankful there was no one. Sam pulled out his lockpick and then picked the lock.  
He opened the door and walked in. Glass crunched under his shoes as he flicked on the light and closed the door behind him. Sam guessed she'd probably thrown something at the door out of rage after fighting with Dean.  
The room was a bit of a mess. Clothes were scattered about on the floor, a couple of things were knocked over on the table. Two of the chairs that went with the table lay on their sides on the floor. Manda's phone and car keys were also in plain view on the bed.  
Sam wasn't sure then if she had just tossed her room a bit because she was angry or if something else had happened. But leaving her phone and car behind seemed out of character for her.  
He left her room and headed back to his.  
"She's not back yet and her room's a mess," Sam said as he walked back into the room.  
"You broke in?" Dean sat up straight. "Hmm… it was fairly clean when I was there. You think she had a hissy fit or did someone else toss it?"  
"I'd say she did it, but I don't know. She left her phone and her car behind though."  
"That's not like her," Dean said quickly.  
"You want to go check it out?" Sam was hoping Dean would be interested in looking for her so that maybe he could find her and work things out properly this time.  
"Should I?" Dean asked. He really didn't want to, but if Sam thought he should check it out then he would. And it wasn't like her to leave her phone behind, let alone her car.  
"Well, you know her a bit better than I do. And you were there earlier… so you could always have a look around and see if it was just her or if something else happened there." Sam laid the bait out perfectly. He knew Dean would bite now.  
Dean sighed. "Fine, I'll go have a look."  
Sam nodded. "Make sure the door locks after you."  
"Yeah, yeah," Dean muttered as he got off the bed, left and made the short walk over to Manda's room.  
He picked the lock just like Sam had and went in. Once he was inside, he turned on the light switch and looked around. Frowning as the glass crunched under his boots, Dean wondered what had happened. It looked like she'd thrown most of her stuff around and broken a glass or something by throwing it again the door in a typical overly angry mood.  
But just as Sam said, her phone and car keys were left behind on the bed. Dean knew both were things she was rarely ever without.  
He turned out the light, went outside and made sure the door had locked when he shut it. Then he wandered over to her car and peered in through the driver's side window, but there were no clues in there either. So where was she?  
Dean went back to his room.  
"Well?" Sam asked as soon as Dean set foot in the door.  
"Manda must have done it, but it's weird. If she took off for awhile she would have at least taken her phone. And leaving the Chevelle behind isn't like her at all either. She's almost like I am when it comes to leaving her wheels behind." Dean was a bit worried now that he thought about it more. He'd fought with her and now she was missing, or something close to missing anyway.  
"No idea where she could be?" Manda had said it herself; they were a lot alike, so Sam figured Dean might have some thoughts on where she'd go.  
"It wasn't like she was really going to tell me where she was going, Sam," Dean said annoyed.  
"I'll call Church and ask if she's heard from her," Sam said as he picked up his phone.  
"Okay." Dean sat down on the end of his bed and waited while Sam talked to Chuch. He tapped his foot on the floor during Sam's entire phone call.  
"Nope, she talked to Manda earlier this afternoon, but not since." Sam looked at Dean, noticed his foot tapping, which meant he was probably worried since he was keeping some sort of beat as he did it. "You really can't think of where she might be?"  
"Sam, she could be anywhere," Dean hid the worry in his voice and said it calmly.  
"You want to go look for her?" Sam asked his brother as he looked at him, wondering just how worried Dean was by this.  
"Where? It's not like we can keep an eye out for her car when it's parked by her room." Dean had no idea where to begin, but now he kind of wished she'd just show up.  
"Where would you go?" Sam had to ask because he was sure Dean would figure it out. He had his own ideas, but he wanted his brother to work it out. "You're angry and hurt. You want to blow off some of that steam, cool down enough to get your senses back."  
Dean thought about it for a moment, and then he knew. She'd do what he had done the night before. "I know where she'll be."  
"Okay, where?"  
"Bar down the road we were at last night." It was the only logical place he could think of. Close enough to walk to and somewhere to forget.  
"You think she went to get as trashed as you did? Do you want me to go look for her there?"  
Dean rubbed his eyes and the side of his head with one hand. "I'll do it," he grunted. "She's probably only there because of me anyway."  
"You're sure? I can go if you want," Sam offered. He was willing to go if Dean didn't want to, or couldn't bring himself to.  
"She'd rather see you, Sammy, but I'll go." He sounded defeated, like he knew he'd have to see her again sooner or later anyway.  
"Call me if you find her." Sam wondered how that would go if and when Dean did find Manda.  
Dean got up, put on his jacket, stuck his phone in his pocket and grabbed his keys. "Yeah."  
"Dude, it's only down the road. You could walk," Sam joked. He knew Dean would take the car.  
"If she's as drunk as I think she'll be, I'm not gonna carry her all the way back here."  
Sam laughed. "Can't carry her that far?"  
"I could, but what's the point? She wouldn't want me to carry her either. Even completely wasted she'd fight me the whole way back if I did." Dean knew she would too, and he wouldn't and couldn't hit her back if she did.  
Sam laughed again. "Yeah right, Dean." Sam thought she might punch him at least once, but then after that she'd give in.  
Dean looked at Sam annoyed and then left. He hoped Manda was at the bar, and that she wasn't too wasted. He knew the last thing she'd want was having him be the one to have to help get back to her room, but he'd do it anyway – he figured it was partly his fault she'd be that drunk after all.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reader warning time: Manda is about to find herself in the situation of attempted sexual assault while intoxicated. Nothing too graphic described but out of respect to some readers - fair warning that this is the chapter it happens in. As well as one for a bit of violence... Dean does find her after all.

Dean walked into the bar and knew he'd guessed right almost instantly. Pat Benatar's 'Love Is A Battlefield' was playing on the jukebox. He knew it was no coincidence. Benatar was the name Manda was using as an alias this week. And it'd be typical of her to pick something that might be some cliché of how she was feeling and yet fit perfectly for her. Well, he wasn't sure she had put it on, but if he had to bet on it… he was probably right.  
Dean looked around, scanning the bar to find Manda. If she had picked this song, then he knew she was drowning herself in a bottle somewhere in here.  
The lyrics dug into him and swirled through his head as he walked around and looked for her face. If she was feeling this way, then he knew he'd hurt her, but couldn't she have picked something else besides this song?  
Dean didn't see Manda anywhere, but that didn't mean she wasn't here. She could have been in the bathroom, and there were a few people he hadn't seen yet because their backs were turned. There was also a couple going heavy on the PDA by one wall, but he didn't think that she was part of that.  
He ended up at the bar and ordered a beer. He'd have one while he waited for a few minutes and kept looking around to see if he could spot her.  
Dean had a few sips of his beer and then stopped the bartender to ask him if he'd seen Manda. He gave a short description of her and included that she would have been drinking heavy and hard. The bartender said he'd seen her here and confirmed that she had been drinking pretty hard, but he hadn't seen her in awhile and guessed she'd went home with the guy that had been sitting with her earlier.  
That stuck with Dean and pierced through his head. Manda was with guy? She had picked up a guy after a fight with him? She couldn't have been too hurt after all if she'd picked up some random dude. But if she was as drunk as the bartender implied, then the guy had probably picked her up. Or it was possible that Manda had just flung herself at someone trying to forget him.  
So much for her being missing, as Dean now knew she'd come here to get wasted and then end up with someone for the night.  
He knew it wasn't like Manda to go home with just anybody though. She had told him that almost all of the time the guys who hit on her weren't worth the time, and while she might flirt with them a bit, she only did the one night stand thing once in awhile.  
He finished his beer and was getting ready to leave when he noticed her finally. The couple who'd been all over each other had broken apart, and it shocked him a bit to see that she was part of it.  
"You gotta be kidding me," he said under his breath as his jaw clenched a bit.  
Dean left his empty bottle on the bar and walked a bit closer to where they were to get a better look. Manda was really trashed and it was obvious. She could barely stand up and just didn't even look like she was there. There was something vacant about the way she was looking at things and he wondered just how much she was aware of what was going on.  
Dean knew that if this guy that was with her took her home, she'd be passed out before they even got there. And that was something he couldn't stand to think about. He wasn't very keen on guys that still took girls home who were that drunk. It just wasn't right.  
His hands curled into fists as he watched the guy say something into Manda's ear and she just nodded at whatever it was he said. Then the guy groped her a bit as he went to help her walk, and she sort of pushed him off of her to walk by herself but started to stumble before the guy helped her up again.  
Dean felt the anger rise in him because he knew that this ass was going to lead her out of here and take her home even though she was in that kind of shape. And there was no chance in hell he was letting that happen, so he followed them, knowing it was better to wait until they were outside in the darkness of the night and away from all these people where he could get her away from this jerk and take her back to the hotel where she'd be safe.  
Dean was still walking behind them, but not too closely. He stopped when he realized they had reached the guy's car. It was at the far end of the lot, and he had stopped by a car which was parked a few spaces away.  
He watched how the guy leaned her up against the side of the car by the hood instead of getting her into the car and then kissed her. His hands started out on her ass and then worked their way up and to the front of her. Then the guy started pushing off the coat she was wearing as he leaned her down back against the hood.  
Dean's hands were tight fists as he watched all this. His eyes glared and wouldn't turn away from what he was seeing.  
He wanted to move but he was frozen, not believing this was happening in front of him. He was watching this guy who seemed to have the intention of just screwing Manda on the hood of his car and then probably leaving her passed out on the ground when he was done.  
Dean just didn't believe this was happening or that she was letting it. Or that she could turn him away, but then up with a jackass like this. It made no sense to him, and his anger level increased a little more.  
His eyes narrowed and focused on the scene in front of him as Dean watched the guy start to push her up just a little further up on the car's hood. And then he saw Manda struggle a bit as she must have finally realized what was happening to her. He watched her try to sit up, but the guy just pushed her back down and laughed obnoxiously.  
Dean saw her stiffen for a moment before she wiggled a bit, kind of pulled the guy down to her as she pulled her legs up between them and then jabbed him in the stomach with a knee and shoved him backwards with her arms and legs as hard as she could manage. She hadn't pushed him far, but at least it was a few steps back. Then she yelled out a "fuck off" and started to sit up. That was the Manda he knew – tough and able to fight.  
But the guy had recovered from the jab and the push already, and his face went dark. He backhanded her quick and hard. She fell back against the hood and he grabbed her arms and pinned them above her head to keep her down as she struggled under him.  
That was it, as soon as he saw the smack, Dean's feet were no longer frozen and his eyes were no longer glued to the scene. As he ran over he heard the words "feisty little bitch" come out of the guy and "you're fucking dead" come out of Manda. And she was right, this asshole was going to be dead or near it when Dean was done with him.  
He stopped just a few steps from them at the front of the car. "Hey!" Dean shouted loud and angry, knowing it would surprise the creep that was all over her. "You want to get off of her by yourself or should I help you?"  
The guy kept her pinned down but turned his head and looked towards Dean. "How about you mind your own fucking business?"  
Dean kept his eyes focused on the guy, but he could see Manda was still struggling. Then she went slack and he wasn't sure if she'd passed out or just given up. He couldn't bring himself to look directly at her though, because if he did that right now he'd lose whatever control it was he had left. "Now see, I could do that, but seeing as she is my business… well, that makes it kind of hard to do." He smirked unsympathetically.  
The guy didn't move or budge, just stared at Dean. "You can have her back when we're done. Now fuck off."  
Dean gritted his teeth and stared at him. This guy was asking for it, and he wasn't sure he could hold off much longer. He wanted to deck him, just one good shot and this dick would be on his ass. "I'm not a big fan of sloppy seconds or sharing with another dude… so you have until the count of five to get off her." His tone had been calm and collected, even if he wasn't.  
"And if I don't?" The guy stared back with a challenge in his eyes.  
"Time's up," Dean said as he lunged forward, yanked the guy off of Manda, and started throwing punches at him.  
He let the anger take hold of him as he slammed the guy up against his own car, gave him a couple good jabs to the ribs, and then punched him in the face again. Dean let the guy start to stagger and fall forward a bit before he pulled the classic behind-the-legs foot sweep strike to take the guy down.  
Dean held back then and waited for the guy to get up. He wanted to keep going, but he was going to give this guy one chance to just try something on him.  
"You're gonna fucking regret that," the guy spat out the words and some blood before he rose to his feet and faced Dean.  
"Can't say I will, but if you think you can make me… go ahead, try." He knew the guy would try and then it would be another excuse for Dean to continue to kick the crap out of him.  
The guy took a moment to figure out his approach. He laughed. "I should make you watch what I'm going to do to her." Then he attacked.  
Dean took the blow, but that was all he was letting this guy have. His tossed the guy up against the car again hard, and let his fist meet with the guy's face a few more times.  
The guy was almost out, and Dean just held him there by the collar of his shirt looking at his bloodied and battered face. "Nope, don't regret it at all." The words were said coldly but scarily calm.  
And then Dean threw most of his weight behind a punch that knocked the guy out cold.  
He didn't even bother to watch the guy fall to the ground, but took a few steps towards the hood of the car and focused on Manda. She was on her side now, almost curled in to a ball with her face looking at windshield and her feet dangling over the side.  
"Manda?" He put a hand on her shoulder and shook her but not too hard. "It's Dean… you're safe now."  
But Manda didn't move and she didn't answer, so Dean gently rolled her on to her back and let her legs fall down the side of the car. He looked at her face and saw the redness on her cheek from where the guy had smacked her and a bit of blood that trickled from the split lip she had from that same smack. "Son of a bitch," he growled into the night air as he looked back for a second at the guy who was still out flat and cold on the ground.  
Now he knew she had passed out before when she'd stopped struggling, and Dean wasn't sure that was a good thing. He could smell the alcohol on her and wondered just how much she had had to drink. He didn't want to smack her to try and get her to wake up, so he tapped the side of her face that hadn't been hit with the back of his fingers. "Come on, Manda, time to get up and tell me what an ass you think I am."  
She moaned a bit and started to turn on her side again. Some part of Manda was still there at least, so Dean took it as a good sign. Then he stopped her from rolling over and leaned down and in to pull her up to a sitting position.  
Dean pulled the sleeves of her coat back up from around her elbows. Then he pulled down her shirt that had been pushed up quite a bit. The thought of that guy's hands on her flashed in his head and he grimaced at the bad taste it seemed to leave in his mouth.  
He tapped her on the face on again. "Where's all the yelling? Last time I was this close you saying all sorts of insulting things... I'm waiting."  
She groaned again and her head drooped even further forward.  
He had to get her out of here, and there was no other choice but to lift her up and then carry her away. Dean almost wanted to laugh, because if she knew this is how it had ended up then there'd be no shortage of sarcastic remarks from her.  
"Okay, ignore me even when I was just your white knight, sweetheart," he said as he wondered what would be the best way to pick her up was.  
Dean decided it would be better not to throw her over his shoulder which would happen if he lifted her up straight now to get her standing for a second. So he put her legs up on the hood as he slid her so she was parallel to car's hood now and instead of to him. Then he made sure her legs stayed bent at the knees before he crouched down just a bit to put her arms around his neck before slipping one of his arms around her and the other under her knees and he picked her up.  
Holding Manda close and tightly against him as he carried her across the parking lot to his car, Dean was kind of glad she hadn't come to yet. He wasn't sure she could handle being this vulnerable in front of him. [ - ] Dean parked near Manda's room. He checked her pockets for her room key, and was glad to find it in one of the ones in the front of her coat. He figured the best way to do this was to go unlock her door, leave it open and then come back for her, so that's what he did.  
He was just about to start lifting her out of the car when she started to come to a bit.  
"No," she protested, twisting left and right. "Get off."  
Dean let go of her but stayed bent down. "Manda, can you hear me? You're safe now."  
She still twisted and struggled even though Dean had taken his hands off her and tried to reassure her everything was okay.  
He tapped her on the face a few times. "Manda… look at me, it's me, Dean. I'm taking you to your room so please don't fight me on this. You're okay now, trust me."  
Manda's eyes finally opened, but barely more than a sliver. Then she went still in the seat. "De-Dean," she whispered, and looked at him with faint recognition in her drunken state.  
"Yeah, it's me." Dean thought she looked fragile, broken even as he looked back at her.  
She reached out, touched his face, and sort of smiled sadly. "Y-you… I-I just wan-wanted you… but c-can't… and y-you…" she mumbled with an obvious drunk slur and stammer.  
It didn't make any sense to Dean. "Um… you want to try that one again?"  
Manda's hand fell from his face and her eyes shut. The alcohol had taken hold of her consciousness again.  
Dean sighed, lifted her out of the car this time and carried her into her room.  
He put Manda on the bed, took off her coat and shoes for her, and then tucked her in under the blankets on her side with her head hanging a bit over the edge of the bed. Then Dean went and got the small garbage can out of the bathroom and placed it on the floor directly under her head in case she got sick. He knew it was going to happen sooner or later since Manda was too drunk for it not to and he didn't want her choking on it when it did happen.  
Dean didn't think he would end up taking care of her after the fight they had, but that's what was happening. But he felt a bit responsible for her current state. And even though he hadn't forced her to drink, he knew he had driven her to it by pushing the wrong button earlier in their fight.  
His phone went off with Sam's ringtone just as he pulled up a chair next the bed, so he picked it up.  
"Did you find Manda?" Sam asked right away.  
"Oh, I found her all right," Dean answered him.  
"So she was at the bar then… is she okay?" Sam wondered just how drunk she'd gotten over his brother.  
"Yes and no." Dean sighed.  
"What's that mean?" Sam wasn't sure what that could mean.  
"She might have tried to drink herself under the bar and not just the table." Dean's tone was serious even if he was making a wisecrack.  
Sam tried not to, but he laughed a little. "Jesus, Dean… what did you say to her? Think you should take her to get her stomach pumped? She might have alcohol poisoning."  
"Guess I said something wrong. And no, she managed to come to for a moment, but I'm just going to stay with her and make sure she doesn't sign up for the Rock 'n' Roll guest list to Heaven." Dean sighed quietly.  
"I can do it if you want," Sam offered.  
"No, I got her," Dean said abruptly. "I'll stay."  
Sam didn't believe it, Dean wanted to stay and look after her when he should have taken the out, but he knew this was different for him. His brother was showing that side of himself now that only he really got to see. "Did something else happen?"  
"There was a guy," Dean grunted it out low and annoyed.  
"Dude… what guy?" Sam knew then that Dean had another reason for staying her.  
"I don't know, but he was all over her, Sam, and she was barely conscious." The distinct sound of disgust was in Dean's voice.  
"Shit, what he'd do to her?" Sam had to ask even though he already knew what the answer probably was.  
"She won't remember it, but he was about to assault her. He had Manda on the hood of his car… even backhanded her pretty good before I stepped in. I swear I could have…"  
"Whoa... He hit her? What'd you do to him, Dean?" Sam knew his brother would have gone off, not just because the guy had no respect for a woman, but also because it was Manda he had been about to attack. Maybe Dean didn't want to admit it out loud, but he cared for her a lot more than he was letting on, and now Sam knew it.  
"I hit him." He sounded satisfied, and he was. "Somebody had to."  
"She's really messed up if she was letting that happen to her." Sam knew Manda enough to know that she would never let a guy hit her, never mind anything else that went beyond that. She had been trained to fight just as much as he and Dean had.  
"Don't have to remind me," Dean sighed again.  
"Well, let me know if you need anything or a break. She'll be out for awhile, and remember to keep her from lying on her back so she doesn't choke when she throws up." Sam knew Dean would be there until she woke up, but he still had to offer to help.  
"I will, and I know the drill," he replied.  
Manda groaned in the background and Sam faintly heard her. "Have fun. Oh, and don't forget to hold back her hair." He had to joke to lighten the mood a bit for Dean now.  
Dean laughed. "Haven't I done enough for her yet?"  
"You tell me," Sam posed the sort of question.  
"Look, I better get her split lip cleaned up and check on her." Dean had told Sam enough for now. He didn't really need to check on her though since his eyes hadn't left her since his brother had called, but he did think he should clean her up a bit.  
"You lost it on him didn't you?" Sam asked even though he knew the answer.  
"Yeah," Dean uttered quietly. "But that son of a bitch had it coming."  
"Let me know if you need me."  
"Uh huh."  
Both of them hung up.  
Dean went back into the bathroom to get a wet towel so he could wipe the dried blood off of Manda's chin and clean her up a bit. He noticed a hair clip on the counter next to the sink and grabbed it. He wasn't really the type for holding back a girl's hair, but this was the least he could do. She'd already been through enough and waking up to have vomit caked in her hair would only make her more humiliated and vulnerable in front of him.  
He walked back to the bed and sat back down in the chair he'd put beside it. He gathered up most of Manda's hair that had fallen over her face and clipped it back. Then he lifted up her head and looked at her.  
"Damn it, Manda… what the hell were you thinking?" he asked her as he started wiping and gently cleaning up her face – smudged makeup, dried blood and all.  
It was going to be a long night, but it didn't bother Dean too much. She needed him right now and he wasn't going anywhere.


	7. Chapter 7

It was around dawn and Manda had been quiet for awhile, no more gagging and no more movement. Dean was relieved to see that the worst of it was over now.  
She'd gotten pretty sick at one point, sick enough for him to have had to place her on the floor in front of the toilet. He'd propped her up with her head hanging over the bowl and then sat half beside and half behind her to keep her that way while she purged the contents of her stomach and then some. She'd come to a bit though, but not enough to recognize him and had tried to push him away from her.  
Dean knew that was because she hadn't finished the two bottles the bartender had told him she'd been drinking. He was glad for that, or this would have been worse. If Manda was able to wake up even a little, it meant her body was able to handle most of the damage she'd done to it.  
Then he had to clean her up again when she was done and he noticed she'd somehow managed to throw up on her shirt. He didn't feel right about violating her in the way he was about to when she was out, but he wasn't about to put her back in bed like that though. So he told her he was sorry for it and then just pulled off Manda's shirt. He tried not to take too much of a look at her in just a bra and jeans. Dean had to admit he was curious, but he wasn't a total pig, and he certainly wasn't like the creep he'd found her with. Okay, so his eyes might have taken a bit of a look, but not a long one – he was a guy after all and well, it was hard not to look a little. But he'd rather Manda was awake and letting him see her instead of having no choice in this low moment.  
Dean had taken a moment to get a better look at the scars on her back though. There was no way he could avoid looking at them. She had four in total. There were two that started on her shoulder and ran down almost to her waist and two smaller ones beside them that started halfway down from the longer ones, all of them a mix of red and pink shades.  
A line had run through Dean's head about what she could do in bed to deserve what looked like scratches down the back during sex too fun or maybe gone wrong. But it was clear she'd gotten hurt good after what had happened between them last time. He still wondered how much of a role he had played in her getting careless after the way he'd left without a word.  
Dean had put Manda back in bed after that, and then just waited for whatever was coming next. It seemed she was done though, and now it was just time for her to sleep it off. So he sat there thinking and keeping an eye on her.  
He knew she was going to hate herself when she finally woke up for allowing this to happen, and that he'd been the one here with her through it. This exposure of herself would bother Manda, maybe the physical part wouldn't bother her too much, but the being helpless part would.  
Knowing that she'd shown just how hurt by him she was by getting so wasted and then having him come to her rescue when she was in a situation where she couldn't look after herself, well Dean knew it was enough to send her into a major defensive mode.  
Yet, Manda would have to realize that this wasn't exactly easy for him either. Dean didn't do this type of thing. He didn't get this way over just anyone, but here he was at her side taking care of her.  
Why though? Was it because she'd gotten to him so good, so under his skin that it was almost irritating? Was it because felt guilt over how he'd hurt her yesterday with the things he had said about her? Was it because if he was honest with himself, then he had to admit he still liked her more than he wanted to?  
So Dean did like her, too much maybe. But she knew how to hurt him, knew exactly where to go with the knife and twist, and she had the balls to carry it out.  
That might be what attracted him the most. How Manda could see inside of him and call him on his bullshit, and for as much as she might be sarcastic and joke around – she was pretty much a straight shooter with everyone that way.  
Add in everything else they shared in common and he felt Manda would be a good match for him if he were looking for one, and if he could have one. But Dean wasn't looking because he couldn't, and that meant he couldn't have her.  
Nothing would last between them with the lives they led, and maybe that's why they both pushed each other. It was easier for them to fight it than it was to confront it. They'd both spent most of their lives fighting and hunting other things while hiding from the issues they had with themselves that they held too close and yet so far away.  
Dean knew Manda had been raised in an environment similar to his. Her family had been hunters too. She'd grown up moving around and always being left behind until she was old enough to go along.  
Pieces of her life were like an echo of his, and it was scary. It made her scary for how much she seemed to understand him.  
Dean felt wiped out then, not just by the night he'd had, but by all the thoughts that were in his head. He just needed to rest for a little and to stop thinking so much, so he leaned back in the uncomfortable chair and closed his eyes for awhile.  
He was just nodding off when he heard her.  
"No," Manda mumbled and started tossing and turning. "Bastard… you're… I'm gonna…" She mumbled louder this time. Then she started clawing at the air, pulling at the sheets, thrashing from left to right.  
Dean jumped up awake, leaned over her and tapped her face a few times. "It's just a dream, Manda, it's okay." His voice was calm and reassuring, hoping she would hear him.  
She screamed. Her head was tossing hard from left to right as she fought in her sleep.  
Dean sat down beside her on the edge of bed, leaned over her, placed his hands on her shoulders and tried to keep her from thrashing around too much. But she was stronger than he'd thought and had to tighten his grip.  
"Stop, Manda… it's just a dream. You're in your hotel room and you're okay." He didn't like seeing her this way, it reminded him too much of himself, struggling with a memory that was masquerading itself as a dream.  
Her arms shot up and she started trying to smack at his, tried to push his hands off her. Then Manda started pounding her palms against his chest.  
Dean held his grip and took a few hits feeling he deserved them. Then he grabbed her by the wrists and held them together as he lowered her arms down against her. "I know you want to fight me, but it'll be better when you're awake and we can make up afterwards," he joked hoping she'd snap out of it.  
"But how… safe… Dean… Dean…" Manda mumbled softly as her resistance wore down and she went still. She was done fighting him and whatever was going on in her head.  
Dean heard his name and had to chuckle. "Dreaming about me, huh? Knew you still found me adorable." He let go of her wrists and just looked at her for a moment wondering what all that was about. He wondered if she had she seen him last night when he'd saved her from that guy or if this was something else.  
Manda rolled over on her side and had her back to him now.  
She was relaxed again, and Dean figured she was going to be out still for quite awhile, so he decided he should catch a bit of sleep. The chair wasn't going to work so well for that, and it might be better if he was beside her if she started thrashing around again so he could just reach over and calm her down if he needed to.  
Dean got up, pulled her back just a little from the middle of the bed so they could each have a side, and then moved the chair he'd been sitting in for most of the night out of the way.  
Then he lay down on the other side of the bed on top of the covers. He knew Manda might wake up screaming at the sight of him next to her, but he'd deal with that if it happened.  
He closed his eyes and soon enough fell asleep as he listened to Manda's deep rhythmic breathing from the other side of the bed.

[ - ] 

A few hours later, Manda's eyes opened and looked around at the blurry shapes. She wasn't sure where she was or who she was with, and she didn't like waking up this way.  
She tried to focus on what she could see and what she knew. She was on her side looking across what appeared to be a chest in a black t-shirt. Her head was resting downwards on someone's shoulder, she had one arm across his chest with her hand somewhere near his other shoulder, and she could feel he had an arm around her, a hand lightly on her waist.  
Then her vision focused clearly and she saw an amulet hanging from his neck, rising and falling with his breathing as it lay there against his chest. Manda knew that amulet anywhere. There was only one person it could belong to and he wore it all the time. But she still lifted her head and pulled herself up a bit on one elbow to see that it was in fact just Dean.  
She looked at him for a minute and a small smile crossed her face because he looked so peaceful.  
Then she looked around and realized they were in her room, so she eased herself back down, put her head back on his shoulder and closed her eyes again. Dean's hand suddenly got a little heavier as it pressed more into her waist and his arm tightened around her just a bit more probably in response to her movement.  
Her eyes flung open as it fully registered in her mind then at who it was that was with her, and then her brain started screaming. _Not Dean, please not Dean._  
But Manda saw the amulet again and she knew it was him. And that's when she felt the weight of the world on her. Her head was pounding, her body felt like it had gone a hundred rounds with an army of the nastiest demons hell had to offer, and the nausea was rising with a terrible wave.  
She didn't bother to sneak away quietly, just broke away from him, jumped up, and rushed to the bathroom.  
Manda took care of the pressing matters first, mainly the urge to ease the nausea and a bladder way past its full limit. Then she just sank to the floor, raised her knees to her chest, and held her head in her hands.  
Manda wondered what had she done to get herself here - waking up to Dean, finding she was half dressed, and that the worst hangover she'd had in a long time was kicking her ass. She had to get up, had to move, but for just a minute she wanted to sit here while she tried to pull it together.  
A knock on the door made her jump.  
Dean had woken as soon as she bolted from the bed, and from him. His arm had fallen the moment her feet hit the floor. He found that she had moved too fast for someone who should be dragging their ass with that kind of hangover, but maybe she'd gone to be sick again.  
So he gave her a few minutes to do whatever she was doing before he couldn't wait any longer to check on her.  
She'd been in there too long and there was no sound of movement for the past few minutes. "Everything all right, Manda?" he asked through the door.  
 _"No,"_ her mind shouted, but her voice said "Uh huh."  
"You need anything, just say so." Dean stood there and stared at the door for just a moment before he went and sat on the end of the bed.  
Manda sat there silent with her chin pressed to her knees, knees tight against her chest, and a hand on each side of her head.  
She tried to remember what had happened, but there was nothing but a big blank in her head. She'd gone to the bar, she knew that much. But what happened between then and now was a big fat question mark she couldn't figure out. Somehow she'd ended up back here with Dean though.  
Manda got up finally and began to fill the sink with cold water. She hadn't bothered to look in the mirror yet since she'd only want to punch it if she looked at herself right now. She waited for the sink to fill, pulled her hair back tighter and clipped it again, and then submerged her face into the cold water.  
That's when the flashes hit. Flashes of the bar, shot glasses clinking, a car, a man's face, her arms pushing at someone, Dean yelling, and the feeling of being carried all ran through her head at a speed so fast she struggled to breathe. She had taken a breath and started choking on the water. She pulled her face out and gasped for air.  
The flashes had taken a hold of her, but they made no sense. There was something in them, but they didn't make any sense, so she looked in the mirror hoping something would come to her if she looked in her own eyes.  
And that's when she shock hit her.  
She looked like utter crap – her eyes were bloodshot, there was a cut on her lip where it looked like it'd been split, and a bruise that just starting in that fresh shade of yellowish brown on her cheek.  
Her fingers traced the cut on her lip first and then along the bruise. She started to shake, so Manda put her hands on the edge of the counter and tried to steady herself. Her knees were weak now after just having looked at herself.  
What had happened to her? The flashes weren't complete and someone had obviously smacked her good and hard at least once.  
Manda grabbed a towel, dried off her face and whatever water had run down her.  
None of this was making any sense to her, she was so confused and she felt like crying.  
She had to stay strong though, because there was no way she was breaking down yet, not when Dean could hear her from in here or see her if she left this bathroom right now.  
But the tears were welling in her eyes from the confusion and the pain, so Manda just started the shower up at full blast.  
That's when she noticed the shirt knew she'd been wearing yesterday was hanging over the side of the bathtub. She heard Dean's voice in her head as she looked it. Something about being sorry he had to do this, but he wasn't letting her go back to bed this way. Manda picked up the shirt and saw the vomit down the front of it and that's when it kicked in that Dean had been here to help her. She must have been in bad shape last night if he had ended up helping her. Especially after the fight they had had.  
Now she was going to cry. She still didn't have a clue as to what really happened, but obviously Dean had been there for her. And now Manda felt mortified. It was going to be tough to face him, real tough to act like while it was nice of him and she was thankful, nothing had changed between them.  
Manda couldn't peel off her clothes fast enough as she climbed into the shower and tried to wash it all down the drain. The smell of stale alcohol, the stench of sweat and vomit, the blank spots in her head over what happened the night before, the pain that ran through her, the shame she felt, and the feelings she had for Dean that she hadn't managed to erase after all.  
She let the water pour down on her and mix with the almost silent tears that streamed down her cheeks.  
She knew this wasn't a proud moment for her. That whatever had happened, Dean had been witness to it, and Manda had just shown him once again that she was nothing more than the scared little girl he had told her she hid inside, the one she knew she always was.


	8. Chapter 8

Dean heard the shower running and knew Manda would be awhile, so he stepped out to call Sam and to get some coffee. He knew she would need one, and he needed one too.  
He had slept longer than he thought he would, but he'd found it easy to sleep beside her. She'd woken him up at one point by curling up to him, and while he found it a bit strange coming from her, he couldn't bring himself to refuse her. She had looked small and injured, yet serene as she wrapped an arm around him and nestled herself into his side. So he put his arm around her and had been surprised at how natural it felt to have her with him. He wasn't about to say it out loud, but it had been nice and he had enjoyed it, wouldn't mind it happening again either, but the circumstances should be different if there was a next time.  
Now Dean was sitting back in her room waiting for her. He'd been back for a few minutes before he finally heard the water shut off. He braced himself for how to handle this.  
He figured that when Manda came out she would either be feeling too crappy to care that he was still here, or she'd charge right out with her guns loaded and locked with him as their target.  
Manda had showered for what felt too little but had probably been over an hour. Now that she was out and feeling a bit better, she had another problem to face.  
She had forgotten to grab clothes, and there was no way she was about to put back on the ones from last night. She stood there in a towel while she wrapped her hair in another and debated the best way to go out about this. She knew she couldn't ask Dean to bring her some clothes. She didn't want to depend on him for anything else now except for the answers of what happened the night before.  
Manda took a deep breath, opened the door and walked out. She didn't look at him, just walked past him as he sat at the table and tried to ignore how much this felt like a walk of shame. She hated herself for putting herself in this position. She bent down in a way that she wouldn't be giving him much of a show, and starting shoving the clothes she'd left all over the floor yesterday back in to the two bags they belonged in.  
"Well… good morning, sunshine." Dean smirked. He had tried to keep his eyes focused on her head as she walked out and past him, but they wandered down her and back up again twice. He had noticed some old scars and some fading bruises on her legs as he looked, but he still had to admit she wore a towel well. Now he just watched her as she flung her stuff into her bags.  
"It's not morning and I'm no sunshine, but good afternoon, Dean." Manda flashed him a huge sarcastic smile over her shoulder since she knew he'd be watching, and then went back to collecting her clothes.  
"True." He had to give her credit at how good she was at playing it cool right now.  
Manda had grabbed almost everything, stood up and tossed both bags over a shoulder. Then she adjusted her towel to make sure it didn't fall and walked back to the bathroom.  
Dean knew she was back to being herself now even while she was fighting through her hangover, and that it couldn't have been easy for her to face him right now.  
Manda leaned against the back of the bathroom door and cringed. She felt so ashamed to be here right now, and that he was the one watching all of this. There was no way was she letting Dean see anymore than he already had, emotionally - she couldn't handle being more exposed, physically – no big deal, she was over that already.  
She picked through her clothes and decided she'd dress better than she felt. She settled on a pair of jeans and a tank top, and then threw a long sweater that hugged her body and had a kind of low neckline over it. This was not Manda's typical ready-to-kick-supernatural being-ass-on-a-hunt kind of outfit, but the only ass she was kicking today was her own so it didn't matter. She'd chosen this outfit because she knew it made her look like less of a mess than she was, and that was how she needed to appear – like she had it together and wasn't about to fall apart when she went back out to face Dean.  
Manda put some eye drops in, didn't bother to brush her hair but rubbed it out with the towel instead, and let the strands fall wherever they wanted to. Then she swallowed a couple of pills for the pain before she walked back out of the bathroom to get answers about what had happened to her.  
"Coffee?" Dean asked her as she came out from the bathroom, held out a cup, and looked at her.  
"Thanks." Manda walked over and took it from him. She noticed how raw his knuckles were but hid her curiosity as to what had happened to them. Then she sat down across from him at the table, but she didn't look him in the eye.  
Dean looked at her and thought she had pulled herself together well. She barely looked hung over now, she was dressed nicely, and while her hair was a bit messy it wasn't too bad as it started to dry. He wondered if Manda was trying to impress him with how she could bounce back from a night like the one she'd had. If so, then it was working, because he thought she looked a whole lot better compared to the night before and this morning. She looked more like herself again, and less like the mess she had been. "You look better."  
"Buttering me up for the bad news already?" Maybe he thought she looked better, but Manda thought she still looked like a train wreck. She sure as hell had before the shower.  
"No, just…" Dean started to say.  
"Last night and half of today weren't my finest hours. I've got that figured out," Manda cut him off and finished the sentence.  
"What do you remember?" Dean wondered if she remembered any of it at all.  
"Not much, I had a few flashes that didn't make much sense. Lots of gaps, why? What happened? Why are you here?" Manda hoped he was ready to start answering as this was only the start of the questions she had for him.  
"You uh… had a rough night." Dean was downplaying it. He was going to as much as he could. She might want and need to know what had happened to her, but she didn't need to know everything he had done.  
"Rough night? I feel like death, I look even worse, and I'm rocking the 'I walked into a door aka he loves me even though he hits me' look on my face." She sipped on the coffee he had brought for her, and looked him in the eye finally.  
Dean had to laugh at the way she had put it. Manda was clearly back to being herself, and the frail girl he'd taken care had buried herself deep inside again to leave the guarded woman he knew at the surface now. "Not a door… just an ass-hat, and while he did hit you, he didn't love you." His jaw tightened as he remembered seeing it.  
Manda saw the reaction in his jaw and knew it had pissed him off that some guy had hit her. "Did I hit him back?" She had to know that even if she was too loaded, she still tried to fight back.  
"You tried. Jabbed him with a knee pretty good." Dean wasn't lying, she had tried to fight, but before the hit, not after it. How was he going to tell her? He wondered if he even should.  
"You hit him right?" Manda needed the assurance that someone had hit him back in the face.  
"Once or twice." That was all Dean was going to admit to, she didn't need to know he'd hit that jerk more times than he could remember and knocked him out cold as a finish.  
Manda didn't know what to say. Dean had defended her even after everything she'd said and done to him. "Thank you," she said sincerely.  
"No need to thank me, he had it coming." Dean's eyes held a trace of anger in them. "He… uh…look, you might not want to hear this, but you need to know it." He knew she wasn't going to like this at all, but she had to know just how messed up she'd been.  
"What'd he do?" Manda felt a sudden a tingle of fear run through her. If she'd been bad enough to let some guy hit her, what else had she let happen? Then it hit her, and she felt sick. "He didn't try to take advantage… tell me he didn't... he didn't get to...?" Her hands curled into fists as she stared at Dean and waited for the answer.  
"Close enough to it, Manda. You were so out of it that if I hadn't found you when I did..." Dean stopped, he didn't want to finish that sentence or think about it again either, and he figured she didn't need to know the ugly details of how or where.  
Manda couldn't breathe. She'd let herself get that bad over Dean and then he rescued her from it. She looked in him the eye with relief and gratefulness. "I… I… you… Thank you, Dean." She was about to break, she knew it, but she couldn't just yet.  
"What the hell were you thinking, Manda? Getting that drunk and just… what the hell were you thinking?" Dean didn't want to tear in to her, but he had to. He had to know what had been running through her mind, if it was his fault that she'd gone out and done that.  
Manda froze and cast her eyes down at the table because she just couldn't look at Dean now. "I don't know," she whispered.  
"You don't know or you won't say? You don't just end up like that without a reason, Manda. What the hell was going on in your mind?" Dean was pushing her now. He had to know if it was him, if it was all because of him.  
He wanted to know, but Manda didn't want to say it out loud, couldn't say that it was because of him. Even if a part of her believed he knew the truth, she wasn't ready to admit that he'd gotten to her so badly. "That's my business, Dean, not yours." Her tone was defensive.  
"It became mine when you started risking your life in such a careless way," Dean blurted out, and wondering why she didn't realize it? Couldn't she see that it was his business because he cared?  
Manda flinched. He had just thrown back the word she'd used to describe the last time she had gotten in to trouble by letting her emotions get to her. He'd been the cause then, and he was the cause now.  
She couldn't hide it anymore, it was going hurt and still she had to say it. "Fine, if that's how you want it, then here it is… I was trying to forget you, Dean. I want to forget you, and clearly, I need to." Her voice was cold, she was hiding the way it wanted to break, the way she wanted to break down and cry. She was pushing him away again, not because she wanted to, but because she believed she had to.  
Her admission hit Dean. He felt the words cut through him as he let them sink in as they hung in the silence and space between both of them. Manda had just done the thing he knew she could do – she'd taken the knife, thrust it in deep, and twisted without stopping.  
It had been his fault. He'd known it, but now she had confirmed it for him. And it hurt to hear out loud, that despite everything he felt, everything he'd done for her last night and this morning, she just wanted him gone. And if that's what she wanted, then she could have it, he was even going to help her with it.  
Dean got up from the table, grabbed his jacket, keys and phone, went to the door, and didn't even bother to turn to look at Manda as he put his hand on door knob. "The safest way to do that is to just walk away then," he paused and opened the door. "And this should make it easier for you now," Dean said bitterly. Then he walked outside and slammed the door behind him.  
Manda jumped at the slam of the door even though she knew it was coming. The tears started to fall as it sank in that she'd just done it again, that no matter how much she might want him, she had to do this again on top of everything else.  
She hated herself for it, hated that this time she pushed him away in spite of the fact that he'd saved her last night from some bastard and from herself. What he had done for her only made her want him even more because he'd shown her that she was wrong, that he did care on some level. But she had to make him go. Manda believed it was for the best even when it felt so wrong and hurt so bad.  
And now Dean would be leaving again, actually, he was already gone.

[ - ]

Dean stormed back towards his room muttering to himself. He was still muttering under his breath when he swung open the door and went inside.  
"Sam, we're leaving." Dean barely looked at his brother and barely noticed Church sitting at the table. Both of them were looking at something he didn't care to notice in front of them.  
He tossed his stuff on the bed and then went to grab his bag and started packing up. "Impossible… just fucking unbelievable," he muttered under his breath low enough for only himself to hear.  
"We can't do that yet, Dean… but what's wrong? What happened?" It was obvious to Sam that Dean was angry or upset. He hadn't even made a crack at how Church was in their room.  
"Her friend," Dean grunted out as he looked back and nodded towards Church.  
Sam and Church both looked at each other with surprise and wonder.  
"Hello to you too, Dean. Nice seeing you again," Church said coolly.  
"Uh… you want to tell us a little more than that?" Sam asked.  
"Nothing to tell." Dean wasn't in the mood to share any details.  
"What'd she do now?" Church knew how her friend could be, and that she'd probably just pushed Dean away again. While Manda was like a sister to her, she sometimes got frustrated herself with how stubborn and just downright impossible her friend could be when it came to certain things, and Dean was obviously now one of them.  
Dean couldn't tell them that she'd just sent him away again. How could he admit that she hurt him again? That she was just digging herself further under his skin by pushing him away once more? That he still wanted her, and this only made it worse?  
He couldn't, he barely wanted to admit all of it to himself. So he said nothing and just continued to put stuff into his bag.  
Sam knew that when Dean had nothing to say, it was because he couldn't or he wouldn't. And he knew that Dean wasn't going to talk about it either, or at least not until he was ready, which might be never. Sam raised his brows and looked at Church.  
Church was almost sure she knew what a silent Dean meant, probably almost what a silent Manda meant. She figured that this meant Manda had pushed Dean away again, even after what he had done for her, if she knew everything he'd done for her that was. She doubted Dean had told Manda everything. She looked at Sam and mouthed "another fight" in return to his questionable look.  
Sam nodded.  
Dean turned around and sat down, looked at Sam. "You want to tell me why we can't leave yet?"  
"We can't leave because I think I tracked down the spirit that's here. Since she's here and you weren't, Church and I were going to go check it out, and take care of it if that's what it is." Sam had spent the morning researching before Church had shown up. Either way there was a job here and it had to be taken care of.  
Dean sighed. He wanted to leave. Manda wanted him gone, he had walked away again, and now it seemed he was stuck here until they got rid of some spirit. "I'm in, let's get it over with and get out of here." The quicker it was over with, the sooner he could leave and get away from her.  
"Think that's wise, Dean? You look drained." Church could see it, he would throw himself in to the job and something would go wrong. It was just the kind of thing Manda would do too.  
"Yeah, you should shower, get some rest. We can handle it without you." Sam knew Dean would want to go, but he agreed with Church, his brother looked beat.  
"What are you doing here anyway, Church?" Dean didn't mean to be completely rude, but it came out sounding that way.  
"I came to deal with Manda after Sam called and implied she was missing. I was already on my way here when he called back to say you found her. So I figured I'd just come out anyway, see you boys, and make sure she's okay." It was true, Church knew Manda could get herself into some good trouble, and judging by the sounds of it, she had.  
"Ok, then it's nice to see you too… but you didn't have to come." Dean smiled sarcastically at Church.  
"Dude… Church isn't Manda, so lay off." Sam gave Dean the 'you're-being-an-ass-again' look.  
"It's okay, Sam, he's just… well I know how she can be, and he's not that much different," Church said with a bit of a giggle.  
Sam laughed. "True."  
Dean didn't say anything. He had no sarcastic remarks, no jokes, nothing to say. He didn't want to hear about how he was like Manda. He knew it was true, but right now he didn't want to hear it, and he didn't want to deal with Sam and Church. So, he just got up and walked out the door.  
"You hit a nerve I think." Sam chuckled.  
Church laughed. "I know I did, and the funniest thing is, Manda would have done the same thing he just did."  
"That would drive him nuts." Sam laughed again.  
"So tell me what he told you, Sam, or better yet what he left out when he told you the details of how he found her and took care of her. Then I'll go talk to her and try find out what happened this time." Church had an idea in mind. She would interfere just a bit, just enough to make Manda see that pushing Dean away again was the wrong thing to do when both of them clearly wanted each other but wouldn't admit to it.

[ - ]

Dean walked in to the same bar as last night. He had no idea why he was here again, but he felt he needed a shot or two, and he just needed to get away from the hotel.  
He didn't want to drive, so he had walked. And now he was here ordering a drink. Anything that burned down the throat would do, he didn't care. He finished one shot, and was about to start on another when he had a flashback of last night.  
Dean saw it is his mind, the scenes from the night before of that guy leading Manda out of here, taking her to his car, being all over her, smacking her. Dean's hand shook with anger as he lifted the shot to his mouth and downed it. As it slipped down his throat with a soothing comfort, he remembered the satisfaction of punching that guy over and over, taking her away from it all, looking after her and then sleeping beside her when it was all done.  
Dean put down the glass and left the bar. He couldn't be there when he was just replaying last night and this morning in his head, so he walked back to the hotel.  
Sam and Church had been right, he was drained. He was also pissed off, tired, frustrated, and hurt. Not to mention he could use a shower since he could still smell traces of Manda on his clothes and on himself. Even if it was mixed in with the smell of last night's alcohol that she'd brought back up, it was still on him, and right now it was driving him insane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you want to smack Manda yet for continuing to push Dean away?   
> Feeling a little bad for him yet?


	9. Chapter 9

Manda had shed a few tears and then she made herself move. Even if she was hurt, and even she knew it was all her own fault, what was done was done. There was no more sense in crying over it again for very long.  
She had cleaned up her room and packed up her things so they'd be ready to go in the morning. She was in no mood to drive hours away to somewhere else just right now. But come the next morning, she would be gone. She'd leave here and would walk away just as Dean had said to. So Manda was going to, she was done.  
She had stripped the bed of the sheets because she couldn't bear the thought of spending one more night in the ones that were on it. They smelt like last night, and last night was just something she didn't want to think about. Plus, she was sure at least a pillow held the scent of Dean, so they had to go and she'd gotten housekeeping to come with fresh ones.  
The maid had just left after putting the fresh sheets on for her, and now Manda was about to just chill out, watch some bad TV or try to crash since she still felt pretty awful.  
Then there was a knock on her door.  
Manda looked through the peephole and was surprised to see Church. She knew Church was taking a few days off, but hadn't mentioned coming here when they'd spoken yesterday afternoon. She wondered why her friend had shown up, and there was only one way to find out, so she opened the door.  
"Hi, Manda," Church smiled.  
"Hey." Manda let Church in and then went and sat down on the end of the bed. "What are you doing here?"  
Church came in, sat down at the table. "I came to check on you, visit Sam, you know…" She was going to feel this out first since she knew how fast Manda could shut up sometimes when she got pressed for answers.  
"Oh… you didn't have to check on me, I know you'd rather see Sam, so don't let me keep you from that."  
"Manda, you know I had to check on you. And yes, I want to spend some time with Sam, but I'll do that in a bit."  
"I know, but I'm fine, Church, really. I'm out of here tomorrow anyway, so go spend some time with Sam and have fun." Manda gave her a fake but reassuring smile. She knew she was good at it and people believed them.  
"Fine, huh? You look better than I expected, but I doubt you're feeling fine." If Manda was going to avoid it, then Church was going to start digging.  
Manda rolled her eyes. "Yeah, okay, I look like shit, but I'll be fine. I've been through worse before."  
"That may be true, but you've never gotten yourself in that kind of trouble before either. So let me start... WHAT the hell were you thinking?" Church asked loudly.  
Manda shook her head as Church emphasized the what, knowing she wanted to know, but the better question would have been who the hell was she thinking about, not what. "Guess I ran into myself. If I remember you correctly, my mere presence causes people to get drunk," Manda said sarcastically. She didn't want to throw back Church's words at her, but she couldn't help it.  
"Maybe you and Dean are alike, causing people to get drunk. He ran into you and hit the bar, so I guess you ran into him this time around. Although, it looks more like he ran you over." Church chuckled a little.  
Manda didn't want to let her friend know she had gotten it right, but she couldn't come up with a wisecrack that wouldn't leave her with her foot in her mouth. And if she said nothing, then it was just as good as admitting it. So she decided just to get it out and over with. "Fine, maybe he did, but it's sure as hell not going to happen again."  
Church was a bit surprised that Manda had finally come out with it, but she wasn't going to let her get away with it. "Why don't you just kill the act already and admit how much he's gotten to you?"  
"Doesn't matter, it's done. He's done, I'm done, and by this time tomorrow I'm far enough away from here and him to not give a shit anymore." Manda might have been lying to herself as she said it, but she knew she could sound convincing when she wanted to, and she knew she just had.  
"Before you jump in your car, hightail it out of here and leave us eating your dust, how about I walk you through some details of last night?" Church wasn't about to let Manda leave without hearing what she had learned from Sam.  
"What's to know? I got drunk and stupid, picked up by an asshole who tried to assault me, and Dean brought me back here. Sure he stayed with me when he didn't have to, but that still didn't change anything after the fight from before. He made that clear once I was conscious again."  
"Just as I thought, you don't even know the half of it," Church said, and shook her head.  
"Well of course, I was a little preoccupied with being shit-faced. So enlighten me, Church, on something that I might have been half there for, but you weren't at all," Manda said angrily.  
"First, quit acting like a bitch to me, I didn't do anything to you. And second, I'd love to… allow me to give you all the details so you can paint a pretty picture with them and then wake the hell up."  
Manda was disgruntled, but Church was right. She was being a bitch to her friend for no good reason. "All right, I'll drop the bitchiness. Sorry. But do share, this should be interesting."  
"Okay, let's start at the beginning. Sam wanted to talk to you, you weren't around, a few hours go by, and he gets worried and breaks in to your room. He sees that it's sort of trashed, that you've left behind your phone and car, and he decides he has to get Dean. Dean sees your room, knows it isn't like you, so him and Sam try to figure out where you've gone. Now Dean figures that you're probably at the bar since that's what he would do, and Sam offers to go look for you since he knows the two of you had a fight, but Dean says he'll do it. You get all of that?"  
"Uh huh." Manda sort of wished Church would just get to the point, but this was a rundown of a night she mostly forgot. And it was more than Dean had offered to tell her earlier.  
"Good. Anyway, Dean gets to the bar and looks for you, finds you with this guy. He sees how wasted you are and how this guy is ready to take you home. But he's not going to let that happen because you're just about out for the count, so he follows you. This guy gets all over you, has you down on the hood of his car and is ready to have sex with you right there. You finally come to some sense, try to push him off, but this guy backhands you in return. Still following along?" Church saw how quiet Manda was being, but she wasn't sure if her friend was just listening or maybe starting to remember. Her face was hard to read, and she had gotten pretty pale.  
Manda just nodded. She had nothing to say, what could she say? So far it was all just what Dean had done for her, even after how she treated him, and that hurt. It hurt to know that despite it all, he still came after her when she was too busy trying to erase him from her mind. She felt sick now, not only because of that but also at the fact that she'd been so wasted she'd almost let some random guy screw her on top of his car and been helpless to stop it.  
"Now, this is probably where Dean stepped in. According to Sam, Dean says he lost it on this prick, and from the look of his knuckles, he probably did."  
"He told me he only hit that bastard once or twice," Manda interrupted.  
"Did you see his hands? You know they don't get like that from one or two hits. Open your eyes, Manda, seriously." Church didn't know how Manda could be so blind. Maybe it was the lack of memories from intoxication, but why couldn't she see what Dean had done for her?  
Manda couldn't say anything again. She had seen his hands, but it hadn't registered that they'd gotten to be that way because of her.  
"Anyway, he rescues you from all that, and brings you back here where you'll be safe. Sam offered to come and stay with you, but Dean insisted on looking after you. Sam says he had that protective tone in his voice when he said he was going to stay, clean you up, and make sure that you weren't going to die from all the booze you consumed. Maybe I don't know exactly to what extent he took care of you because he's not really the sharing type when it comes to showing his softer side with people. But you're still breathing and he looks wiped out, which obviously means he was up all night with you making sure you were going to be okay and helping you when you needed it."  
Manda was silent for a moment, her memories were so hazy, the flashes were incomplete, and if that's how it all went down, she really couldn't say. "Look, I'm thankful for what he did, don't me wrong, but I didn't ask him..."  
"He did it for you. Don't you get that? He did it was because it was YOU." Church had cut her off. She didn't want to hear whatever the "but" was. "And how did you thank him for it? Tell me, because from the look of him when he stormed back in and wanted to leave town quickly, it must have been one hell of a thank you."  
"Don't. Just don't start on me for that. I did thank him for it, and then he demanded to know why I did what I did. He pushed for it and he got his answer. He wanted to know, it's not my fault he didn't like what he had to hear." Manda was jumping on the defense quickly again.  
"And what did he hear? You being ungrateful? Because it sounds to me like you are." Church thought her friend did sound that way. And that whatever her answer had been, it had to have been mean because if it wasn't then Dean wouldn't have seemed hurt, pissed off, and in a hurry to leave.  
"I'm not, honestly," Manda's tone was sincere. "But he pushed for an answer, and I gave him the truth okay? That I was trying to forget him, because that's what I was doing goddamn it. I was trying, but I guess he's harder to forget than I wanted to give him credit for. Are you happy now?" Manda was defeated. It was too much to keep putting on the appearance of how little she pretended Dean got to her. He'd gotten to her badly, so bad it stung. And now that Church was laying into her for it that sting was unbearable.  
"Then why did you push him away again? I know you did it again, and I know you did it after he did all of that for you. And Dean doesn't get that way with just anyone, you know that that."  
"I know. But I had to, Church, you know that," Manda said.  
"No, I don't. I know you feel like you have to, but you don't actually have to." Church understood why Manda felt she had to, but not why she thought she actually had to.  
"But I do. It's who I am and it's the only thing I know how to do because of…" Manda stopped as she realized there was something about her Church didn't know because she'd never told her. "Look, I can't let him get close, and it would be so easy to let him. So I pushed. Because if I didn't then I would have…" she stopped again. There was no way she was going to say the next five words – fallen in love with him.  
"You would have what?" Church asked. She could think of many things, but she wanted to hear the words Manda would use for the rest of that sentence.  
"Nothing… I just had to push him away okay? It's what I was taught, have learned, and what's easiest for everyone in the long run." It was the truth. It was the way she had been raised, then what she'd learned once or twice, and what she believed.  
"And that's working out real well for you isn't it?" Church let the question hang there for a moment in the silence of the room. "You know… I don't get you two. It's quite obvious you want each other, and yet neither one of you will admit it or just how much either. And from where I'm standing, it's a bad pretty damn bad longing you've both got for each other."  
Manda wanted to scream at the question, and then she just got defensive as her denial at the obvious that Church had pointed out ate away at her. "You must be wearing my shot glasses from last night, because I'd say there's nothing there anymore."  
"Stop denying it already, Manda. I can see it, Sam can see it. But if only you and Dean could see it… maybe you're just get it over with already and stop being so scared to feel something for each other." Church pointed out the obvious now, her and Sam had agreed on it. His brother and her friend clearly had feelings for each other, but were fighting it every step of the way for whatever reasons they thought they had to.  
"Go, Church. I don't want to fight with you, and if you stay that's exactly what I'm going to do." Manda felt like they were already fighting as it was, and that if it kept going on she was bound to say something she'd regret. Church was like a sister to her, and she could call her on her crap when she had to, but right now Manda didn't want to fight with her.  
"Fine, but open up your eyes, Manda. Dean saved you last night. He beat the hell out of some guy for you, and then when you were safe, he wouldn't let anyone else look after you. He stayed with you, probably took good care of you too when you were a mess. While he'd do some of that for anyone else, he wouldn't have done all of that and stayed for just any girl. Anyone else he would have left with Sam. Do you know the reason why he didn't though?" Church had to ask her still, even if the answer was obvious.  
Manda just looked at Church. She had nothing to say again because she knew Church was right. Even if she couldn't remember all the details herself, Church was right. Dean had been there for her. Done all of that for her. Stayed for her. And now she felt like a bitch and an idiot because she just pushed him away again after that. She knew that after three strikes, you're always out, and that's exactly what she would be with Dean now. Three times she had pushed, and now he was going to be gone like she had thought she had wanted.  
"Have you figured out the why yet? Because I know you're not that dense, stubborn yes, but not dense. So when you quit being a coward, you better go find him and apologize, and then you better pull because you don't push a man like that away - especially not when he gets that way over you and does all of that for you."  
"He… I didn't…" Manda stumbled with her thoughts and her words. "How was I… he… I just…"  
Church got up looked at Manda for a moment. "And I'll go because I don't want to fight with you either, but I thought you should know just what Dean did for you." Then she slipped out the door leaving Manda alone to mull over everything.  
The door had closed with a light click and now Manda was alone. The room was quiet now, and it would have felt empty if it wasn't for all the thoughts that were filling her head rapidly.  
"What the hell am I doing?" she asked herself and the empty room. "And what the hell have I done?" Then she sat there silently with her head in her hands thinking about why she just wouldn't let herself pull Dean towards her like she wanted to instead of pushing him far away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't want to give Manda a whole chapter to herself, but someone had to make her aware of what Dean did, because he clearly wasn't about to tell her everything. Typical sort of Dean fashion, no?


	10. Chapter 10

It had been awhile since Dean had come back to the hotel. He was glad that shortly after he came back Church had left and Sam didn't bother to press him again for anything. Sam knew better than to start asking him what had happened. If he wanted to talk about it then he would find a way, and right now he didn't want to.  
So Dean had dragged himself off to the shower hoping it would make him feel better. It had worked just a bit too. He felt better physically after he'd come out, but emotionally he was still a mix of things.  
It was still in his head, everything that happened, and her words – _trying, wanting, needing to_ – forget him. It shouldn't have gotten to him so much, but it did. Manda had gone on a bad bender trying to forget him and he still felt like it was mostly his fault. But he also felt she was being impossible and almost as if she had shifted the blame. It was the scared girl inside of her that had done it, he could see that. The strong woman she also was though wouldn't admit to it either, he knew that too. He knew she was probably scared to feel something for him, but didn't know why she was fighting it so hard. She'd gone to the point of getting quite reckless with herself over him, so she must have been fighting it pretty damn badly. And yet he knew he was not much better.  
Dean had left out so many things he should have said to her, but it was easier for him to fight all of that and just ask her why she had done it. So that's what he had done. A part of him knew that by doing it she would push him away again. He wasn't sure he had exactly wanted her to push, but he'd gone about it that way. But why had he done it especially when he felt so different about her? For him this wasn't a girl you let go, but here he was letting it happen.  
He'd finally come back out of the bathroom after just standing in there thinking after getting dressed. Sam had looked at him questioningly but said nothing.  
Dean was tired, more tired than he thought, so he had just lied down and tried to shut his eyes. But he was hungry and his stomach was growling at him now. It'd been hours since he'd last eaten, he hadn't even thought about it until now.  
He sat up and started putting on his boots. "I'm starving. You want me to pick you anything up, Sam?"  
Sam was surprised Dean had finally spoken, but not surprised at all that his brother was hungry. "Uh… sure."  
Church walked back in to their room then and went to sit with Sam.  
"Dean's making a food run, do you want something?" Sam asked her.  
"Sure. I could eat before we go after this spirit, if that's what it is."  
Dean grunted slightly and then asked them what they wanted.  
As he was walking out the door he heard Church faintly say "I talked to her, Sam, and he never told her half of what he told you…" as he closed the door and left.  
Dean had figured that was where Church had gone, but now he knew for sure. And now it seemed Manda knew more details of what he'd done last night. He hoped that even though he'd been too afraid to tell her, that maybe now she'd realize just how much he cared, and then she'd stop hiding the truth from herself and from him about her feelings. But she was probably too pigheaded to do that. He knew he was when it came to her.  
Usually he was too confident, even a bit too cocky at times, and he would go after what he wanted knowing he would end up with it. But she was different. Manda seemed to be able to strip him of that in seconds. It irritated and excited him, because he wasn't like that at all when it came to other women.  
She had also made him act sort of like he did with Sam, but it was still different from that. The truth was that's why he found himself walking away when she pushed, because feeling that strongly about someone, maybe even wanting to love them in a way that was similar and still different from how he loved Sam… well, it made him uneasy.  
If he let himself fall for Manda the way he could see himself doing, it would be too difficult for him afterwards when she wasn't there with him. He would want to protect her, even when he knew she was more than capable of taking care of herself except for when she was being careless. It was just what Dean did with the people who were closest to him. He had to look out for them, keep them safe, and he would always want to do whatever it took to make sure of that. If Manda couldn't be there alongside of him the way Sam always was from city to city and town to town, which was the way it would be because of how and who they were, then there was no way he could do that. Dean didn't think he could handle that part of it.  
As Dean headed back with the food, he realized that was the main reason why he had pressed her for an answer earlier. Why a part of him had wanted her to push him away again. If he hadn't then he would have let himself fall, and then he would be left powerless to keep Manda safe when they parted ways. And if something happened to her after that, Dean would feel like it was somewhat his fault and that was something he couldn't and wouldn't want to live with.

[ - ]

It was evening now and Manda had been sitting there for the longest time thinking about everything. There were questions that had no answers and answers that had no questions.  
She still had barely any memory of what had really happened the night before, but at least she had more details thanks to Church. That had cleared up some of it since Dean had offered very little in the first place.  
Manda had to break it down individually to try to start working it out, but her head was spinning with what she knew and what she was still trying to remember.  
She turned on her laptop, put on some music and sat back while she tried to let it clear her head. She decided to start on what she did know - why she was at the bar in the first place.  
She hoped that something would jog her memory after that for the rest.  
Manda had gone to there in an attempt to drown her sorrows. She wanted to drown out the things Dean had said, the hurt he left her with, and the feelings she had towards him that she was having too much trouble denying. But she didn't want to give in, she couldn't give in. Dean could mean too much to her, and he could hurt her. Or she could hurt him, and that would hurt her too.  
When she was hurt, there was only one thing she did – she got reckless. When she got that way she chased herself in a downward spiral until something else replaced the pain she felt.  
And Dean, well, Dean could hurt. If she let him in he could break her heart, so it was better she break her own by sending him the other way. She had pulled back and pushed him away at the same time and caused all of the pain she felt now. But she couldn't let herself fall. It was too messy, too much, and just not something she wanted to go through again.  
The last time she'd let herself fall for someone, it hadn't ended very well at all. Then Manda had nearly destroyed herself from the guilt over what had happened, and just about lost everything she had to lose in the process.  
Now Manda felt she was heading down the same path anyway. She'd been ready to try to destroy herself again just by trying to avoid getting close to Dean, never mind actually allowing it to happen. It would be too easy for her to get close to him, and then too easy to find herself falling in love with him, which was exactly why she couldn't let it happen. To let it happen and to know that it would probably end up one of two ways would leave her on the last spiral she'd ever take. With that kind of pain there was only one thing that could replace it, and Manda knew she'd chase it because she'd done it before.  
A song suddenly came on, one she knew she had heard last night, and that's when her memory released what it had been blocking and was still blurry.  
The flashes started to fire at her in story mode and while there were still blanks, most of them had been filled in.  
Manda remembered the guy that came up and she had started talking to thinking he was pretty cute. Thinking 'what the hell, this could be fun.' So she let herself flirt, tease, and drink more. When the guy made his move she was already fairly wasted, and she just went with it. It might have been wrong, but Manda was aching to feel something other than the pain Dean had caused, and how she seemed to need it. So she made out with this guy she didn't know at all as the alcohol took more control of her, and she had a little more to drink. Her inhibitions slipped, as did any inkling of Dean she had, and whatever sense she had went along as well.  
Then she'd left with him, and she had no idea what she was doing at the time. Manda just remembered walking out of there, trying to walk by herself and stumbling along the way.  
Then she was feeling him on her, holding her down. She had felt the coolness of the night air on her face at that point, along with the cold, hard feel of the hood of the car beneath her and it started to bring back some of her senses. He was on her, kissing her, touching her, and she didn't want that anymore. She wanted him off, his face out of hers, and so she tried to push but he held tight. The defensive skills that had been drilled into her kicked in then and a part of her still knew how to fight. It wouldn't be much different than fighting with head wounds that caused coordination to be off and when strength was diminished. Manda had known all she needed to do was find the opening to strike, and she had when she pulled him closer and kneed him before she pushed with whatever she had left in her to get him off of her. She had started to get up, which was no easy task for how tipsy she was when he smacked her. Her cheek had stung from the hit, her head hurt from knocking back on the hood, and Manda had known then she wasn't going to be able to keep fighting. She couldn't really fight as it was for how drunk she was, but she kept struggling under him because she wasn't going to make it very easy for him as long as she was conscious.  
Then she had heard Dean's voice and knew it was okay to give up because he would take care of her. Knew she would be safe as long as he was there. So she had stopped struggling and within a few seconds she had blacked out. She didn't know for how long, but the shaking of the car had roused her from the temporary slip, and she turned to see what was happening. Manda had tried crawling up the hood even, but didn't get very far because her eyes saw Dean punching the guy who'd been on her. His fists were just pummelling away on the guy. Her eyes had been heavy, her vision fuzzy, but she had watched an angry looking Dean beating the crap out of this guy before she passed out again.  
Then she had heard Dean again, saw his face. There was a big gap that followed. Then the next thing she remembered was hearing Dean's voice again and the sensation of someone holding her up. Then he was saying he was sorry as he pulled her shirt off her and lifted her up off the floor just as she was slipping out of consciousness again.  
Now Manda knew what he'd done. She'd been a complete mess and Dean had just been there for her throughout it. He'd beaten the shit out of an asshole for her, then taken her away from the situation, and looked after her all night. He'd been strong for her, then kind to her, tender even. Then he hadn't told her much of it of what he had done for her when she was finally alert and aware again.  
And Manda had still pushed him away as soon as he'd asked her why. Yes, it had been because of Dean, but it was mostly because of her. She wouldn't let herself give in to wanting him.  
She knew then that she'd been a damned fool. Dean cared, he cared, and yet he wouldn't say it. But he had shown it, and then he'd hidden it from her. Manda didn't know if she was the bigger fool here or if both of them were just being stupid. She was willing to bet she was the bigger fool, but damn him, he was hiding from it just as much as she was.  
Now Manda decided she was having no more of it, she was done pushing him away. After what he'd done for her, she knew she couldn't let him just leave again. It terrified the hell out of her to think that she was about to do this, but she had to do it. She had to lay it all out on the table for him. She was going to have to swallow her pride and go after Dean. It was time to apologize, explain, admit, and then hope to hell she hadn't completely destroyed all of it with the way she had treated him.  
But she was going to do it, right after she got rid of the dirt she felt from certain memories. Dean might have saved her, but he couldn't save her from that shame and disgust.  
Manda did everything as quickly as she could. She had been sick a few times, then showered, and put herself together as best as she could with the least amount of time she wanted to take. Then she headed out her door and over to his room, praying he was still there.  
When she got there, Manda noticed the Impala wasn't parked out front. The panic settled in then. "Crap, he's gone… he's left. God, not again," she said out loud as she stood in front of his room. But she had to be sure, had to make sure that he was really gone, because if he was then she deserved it.  
Manda knocked on the door and waited. But the room was dark and there was no answer.  
She stood there for a moment, wondering if maybe he was just hiding inside, Sam could have the car after all. Manda took a deep breath, and then knocked again.  
"Dean? Dean, if you're in there, please answer the door," she called out. But there was nothing after the few minutes more she had waited.  
Now she felt the guilt sinking in even more. Dean was gone. Gone like she knew he would be and she had made him go. She felt awful, just completely awful. Manda wanted to beat herself up for the moron she'd been because he'd left and now when she was finally ready to pull him she couldn't.  
Manda started walking back to her room completely dazed and fighting off the urge to cry since she'd done this to herself. She could call Dean, but he'd probably ignore her.  
Then she had an idea. She'd drive around and see if the Impala was parked anywhere near here. Maybe they'd just gone out instead of left.  
And that's what she did. Manda had raced to her room, grabbed her keys and took off in her car. She stopped by the bar, drove by a few other places where she figured they might be, but there was no sign of the Impala and no sign of Dean anywhere.  
She felt so desperate now, but she had to find him, and he wasn't anywhere to be found. Maybe he had left, and if he had, then Manda knew she'd never be able to fix this. That she had screwed up royally.  
She drove back to the hotel, and just before she reached her room she spotted Church's GTO in the lot.  
Manda wondered why she hadn't thought of calling Church. If she was still here then maybe she was with Sam and Dean, and if she wasn't then she might know where they had gone.  
And Manda had to find Dean. She had to find him tonight. She didn't care where he was either – she'd go anywhere at this point to get it all out in the open.  
She parked in front of her room, grabbed her phone, dialled Church, and waited for her to answer.  
"Hi, Manda."  
"Chuch, are you with Sam and Dean?" Manda asked without bothering to say hi in return.  
"Uh… I'm with Sam. Why?" Church's curiosity was apparent in her voice.  
"Oh… any idea where Dean is?" Manda tried not to sound too anxious as she asked.  
"He stayed behind, said he was tired, so he should be in their room. Why?"  
"I… I just need to find him," Manda said.  
"Going to make up with him now?" Church laughed.  
"Something like that… if he'll even give me the time of day." Manda hoped that was the case, but wasn't sure he would.  
"He will." Church was sure of it.  
"I hope so Church, I hope so…" she trailed off in thought.  
"He will, but I gotta go. Time to clean up some spirit ass, but I want all the details later."  
"Good luck, and thanks Church… for telling me what I needed to know." Manda was being genuine as she disconnected the call.  
Manda got out of her car, and then walked back over to Dean's room. If he was there earlier then he'd ignored her, or he could have been out. She didn't know, and right now it didn't matter. She was going to try this again, she had to.  
Manda knocked on the door and waited. Again there was nothing, and the room was still in darkness as far as she could tell.  
"Dean, it's me, and I know you probably hate me right now, but I need to talk to you. Please open up if you're there." A bit of pleading leaked through in her voice as she said the words.  
She waited for a minute or two, but nothing happened. She felt awful, and he was either not there or he was avoiding her. He probably didn't want to hear it, didn't want to see her, but Manda wasn't giving up just yet. "Look, if you're in there and ignoring me, then fine, I'm just going to stand out here and say something anyway. I might be an idiot for talking to what could be an empty room, but I have to try." Her voice was desperate sounding now, but she didn't care.  
She took a deep breath and waited for a moment as she hoped he would open the door if he was in there. But he didn't, so she leaned facing towards the door with a shoulder against the frame and started with what she needed to say.  
"It was wrong to push you away, Dean… I know that and I'm sorry. Sorry for the first time, and then fighting with you again yesterday and this afternoon. I'm beyond sorry for it. Maybe it's too late now, but I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry. But I know what you did for me, Dean… and I can't believe I made you leave yet again. And now I'm done running and pushing, but it doesn't matter because you're done with me. I hate that I did this, I'm an idiot for doing this." Her voice was starting to break now, so she stopped and took another breath before she continued.  
"There's so much I want to say, that I'm scared to say, and if you're ignoring me then you probably don't care to hear it. Even if that's the case, I still had to tell you anyway. Regardless of how everything is between us, I owe you that much. You deserve to at least hear a fraction of how sorry I am, and how much I regret it… because I am and I do. And I just needed you to know some of that before I go. I'm walking away safely now just like you suggested, because you were right."  
She sighed silently. This kind of open honesty was not easy, and she wanted to stop. But she couldn't, so she took another deep breath and found the strength to keep going with the words. "I'm going to go now hoping that you heard some of this because in the morning I'll be gone… so I guess this goodbye. I really wish I'd treated you differently… you're a better man than I could ever deserve anyway."  
She paused for a minute, raised a hand and lightly pressed it to the door before she finished what she had to say.  
"Again, I'm sorry. I hope you'll find a way to forgive me, but if you can't then I understand. So goodbye… and thank you, Dean, for everything you did for me last night and this morning." Her voice was genuine and held a bit of sadness in it as she spoke the last words as she let her hand slip from the door.  
Now Manda was done. She'd just spilled out as much as she was going to at a shut door.  
She walked back to her room feeling that she'd screwed this up beyond repair, and not knowing that Dean had in fact been on the other side listening to every single word.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's time to confront each other... and for Dean to learn why Manda is the way she is.

Dean was still standing there inches from the door, frozen.  
The first knock on the door had woken him. Then he'd heard Manda's voice and stayed where he was. She would go away and he could go back to sleep, so he waited. He didn't want to face her again, didn't want to fight with her again, and he was sure that's where it would lead if he answered the door. So he waited, and was relieved when after a few minutes there was no more knocking. Everything had gone quiet again, and he could sense she had gone. He thought he heard her car drive by but he wasn't sure as he lied there awake.  
Then awhile later the next knock came when he was just about ready to fall asleep again. He didn't turn on the light or even make a sound as he silently walked over to the door. He had reached out to open it just as she started to talk, and he froze. His feet wouldn't move any further, his hand wouldn't touch the doorknob, and his voice didn't want to come out.  
So he stood there and he listened to her.  
There was desperation in the pleading that he could hear in her voice. She had asked him to open the door, and he wanted so badly to open it, but he couldn't. His hand just wouldn't move.  
Manda was on the other side saying she was sorry, but still he couldn't open the door. She sounded so sincere, so vulnerable. There was no hardness anywhere in her voice, just the soft and sadly spoken words.  
She was sorry, sorry for pushing him away, treating him badly, and everything else. Dean knew that couldn't have been easy for her to say. Then she'd kept going, saying she was an idiot, hated herself for doing this, that she regretted it. He knew that definitely wasn't easy for her to admit either, and yet somehow she had. She was letting him hear the side of herself that she hid, the side she tried to let not feel. And still he couldn't just bring himself to open the door.  
Then she'd said he was a better man than she could ever deserve, and that stung Dean because he didn't feel that was right. She'd never see that he was far from being a better man than she deserved. There were things about him that tore him apart, thing's he'd done that were so wrong. He felt he could never be the kind of man she seemed to think he was because of those things. Manda deserved better than him. She deserved someone who could love her and show it, someone who could commit to her, be there with and for her wherever she went. If she would let herself have it, then that's what she deserved from a guy.  
And Dean wasn't that guy; he would never be that guy. He wanted to be. He wanted so much to be that guy, and while he could try to be, he knew he just would never be that guy for her.  
The part that really got to him though was when she said she was walking away now just like he had told her to. Manda had come here to apologize because she knew she had been wrong and she was leaving. If she left now, he doubted he'd ever see her again. And for as frustrated and upset as he was with and by her, that wasn't what he really wanted.  
All of this hadn't gone the way he had wanted it to go. He was being a coward, denying what he felt, and hiding from her just how much he did and wanted to care. Yet, he still couldn't open the door to face her when she'd just basically told him she had wanted him without saying the exact words.  
Dean knew she had walked away then, and he remained where he was for a few moments. His hand had made it to the doorknob, and he'd even twisted it, but he just couldn't open it.  
It had taken him awhile to move, but then he went back and sat on his bed.  
Manda's words were in his ears. Her admissions hadn't been easy for her to say, and they weren't easy for him to hear. But if she had found a way to say it, then why couldn't he have just found a way to open the door between them and face her?  
God she drove him nuts. Just when Dean thought he had Manda figured out, she turned around and did something like this. It proved that while they were a lot alike, they still had major differences. She had the guts to let her feelings show eventually. It had taken her awhile and a whole lot of damage to get there, but she had finally let it out, and she'd done it without even knowing if he was actually there or not. He admired it actually. It took a certain amount of courage for someone like her to swallow her pride, admit to her mistakes, and to do it while being unsure if the person it was directed at was even there or not.  
Dean knew he should go hear her out since she had said she had more to say. He wanted to go, but was he ready for it?  
If he went to her now, he'd have to find a way to admit things himself. How he wanted her, what he was scared of, how he wasn't good enough for her, and how he'd never be able to offer her what she needed most from him. Most of all he had to be ready to face what could be another rejection, because even if she was sorry, it didn't mean things would work out any differently from what they currently were.  
It was going to be tough for him to do this. He didn't do this emotional thing well, and she knew that.  
But if she could make the first step then he knew he should meet Manda halfway. It was only fair, and she deserved it after being open with him through a closed door.  
He only hoped that somehow he wouldn't do something that would start another fight. But she said she was done running and pushing. Dean knew he wasn't done with her yet, not the way she thought he was. He was just having a hard time dealing with her words, his emotions and giving into something that could hurt him in a way he didn't want to be hurt.  
So before she left, and now that he knew he only had tonight to do it, he had to go to her. And when he got there, if he was able to say the words he needed to say, then he was sure he'd get his girl. He was also sure it would be worth all the fighting, the hurt, and the emotional exposure that wasn't easy for either of them.  
Standing up and putting one foot in front of the other, Dean walked to the door he'd been unable to open earlier knowing that before she left for good, she had to know he'd wanted her since the day they had met.  
That was all he'd wanted, just her – the girl that could drive him wild, keep him in line by calling him on bullshit, keep him on his toes with the way she could match and challenge him in so many things, and still be everything and more than he knew she was.  
Even if it was only for a little while, Dean wanted Manda with him, and as long as he was able to walk in there, admit to what he felt, and push aside his own fears, then hopefully that would be enough to get her there.  
He hoped that when he reached her room, the woman inside it would let him in and then after they'd talked, she'd let him stay. But as he got closer to her room, he saw her packing up her car and now he hoped she would just stay.

[ - ]

Manda had been in her room for about an hour and a bit, waiting as the minutes ticked by. She hoped Dean had been in his room listening, but the more minutes that passed by, she was sure he hadn't been.  
Her hope was slowly fading and she was getting tired, but she wanted to wait just a bit longer. She decided she'd load up her car tonight though, and then in the morning she would just be able to leave. So she'd grabbed some of her stuff and took it out to the car, tossed it in the trunk.  
She'd gone back her room to get the last two bags she wouldn't need in the morning, leaving the door open behind her. Manda had just turned around with them in her hands when she froze.  
Dean was standing just outside of the door.  
The bags slipped from her hands at the surprise of seeing him there. She wanted to say something but she couldn't. This is what she had wanted, what she had been hoping for, and now she couldn't find anything to say or the will to move.  
They stared at each other for a minute or two, both of them not sure of what to say or what to do.  
Dean thought she was leaving. She certainly looked like she was leaving. But he couldn't say "you can't go yet." The words just weren't there in his throat, so he just looked at her trying to figure out what he should say.  
Finally Manda broke the silence. "I… I… I have to go close my trunk." She cursed herself for saying such a stupid thing, but if he was here to talk, then she had to go close it since she'd left it open.  
Dean nodded and then moved to the side so she'd be able to get past him.  
Manda walked through the door, stopped just past him. "You can go inside if you want," she said, and then continued to walk to her car.  
Dean wanted to grab her by the wrist to stop her, say something like "please stay," but instead he just watched her walk to the trunk of her car, and then he took a few steps into her room.  
Manda took a moment to breathe hidden by the open trunk. She had wanted him to come to her tonight, but now that he was here she wasn't sure how this would go. Obviously he'd come for a reason, but so far he seemed a bit reluctant to even be here. He hadn't even said anything. But when she closed the trunk she saw he'd gone inside, and now she knew he was here to talk.  
She went back inside of the room hoping that this time they wouldn't fight again.  
Manda closed the door behind her, but stayed about two steps in front of it. He hadn't gone too far into the room and she wasn't ready to let him leave yet. If it came down to it she would fight him to keep him there.  
Dean was facing her, just looking at her. It took him awhile to find the words, and then he had to know something. "Are you leaving?"  
She shook her head. "In the morning," Manda said quietly.  
"Oh." Now Dean knew for sure he only had tonight, so why was it so hard to say anything? Why couldn't he just come out and ask her to stay, tell her he forgave her, and that he wanted her to stay?  
He was being quiet, and she couldn't read him. His face wasn't giving anything away, neither were his eyes. He just kept looking at her and Manda had no idea what he wanted.  
"Dean… I… I didn't think you were in there." Now she knew he had been. He just hadn't opened the door. "If I knew you were in there, god... why didn't you open up?" she asked softly. "I was out there, Dean, waiting, willing, wanting you to."  
She looked hurt and he could only shrug at her. Dean couldn't admit he had been frozen, unable to bring himself to open the door. "It was… I didn't… sorry." He had stammered, tried to get it out, but this wasn't easy. He wished it was easier, but it wasn't.  
"It's okay." Manda could see it now, he wanted to talk, but this wasn't comfortable for him. She should have known. "I know you have your reasons for not doing it."  
Dean nodded. She could see it on him, he knew it. He was sure of it, that she could see he'd been paralyzed in that moment on the other side of the door.  
"I just wanted to talk to you. No more fighting, no more… whatever. Just talk. Can we do that?"  
"I'm here, aren't I?" The question came out sounding hard and sarcastic, and he regretted it. "Sorry."  
Manda just looked at him, knew this was going to be difficult. "It's fine." She was being passive, letting go of what she would usually do in this situation, fighting with him.  
"Look this isn't…" he started.  
"Easy for you, I know that," she finished it for him. She knew it wasn't. Emotions weren't really his thing, hers either for that matter.  
Again Dean nodded. He hated and loved how much she understood him, could see into him.  
"If I start, will you just listen? Jump in when you have something to say or ask?" She hoped he would agree to it.  
"Yeah… yeah, I can do that." Dean stuck his hands in pockets, and waited for her to start.  
Manda was quiet for a moment, thinking of how to begin now that they were face to face. "As I said before, I'm sorry for everything. It was wrong, I was wrong. None of it was your fault. I did all of it, it was my entire fault from the beginning to now. No matter how wrong it was to do, I still did it, and I know what a mistake it was now."  
Dean just watched her talking. He had nothing to say yet even though there was plenty he wanted to say.  
"I never wanted to push you away, Dean. You have no idea how much I wanted not to, but I did it because it's what I have to do. I struggle with it when someone like you comes along, which isn't very often if you have to know. And if I don't push then… well, that road… that road has cost me too much already. It took just about everything from me the first and only time I was down it." She bit her lip slightly then as the memories surfaced in her of another time. Her eyes started to well up at the thought of it, but she held back the tears and pushed them back down.  
Dean saw it then, something in her past had made her this way. He wanted to know what it was. "What happened to you, Manda? What did price did you have to pay?" Dean figured now she'd lost someone before, maybe almost even herself.  
She was quiet now and wondering how to explain it to him, the reasons why she pushed him away so hard as she would pull back and run away at the same time. "I… it was… I…" She wanted to be honest with him, tell him the story very few people knew about her. "The first and only time I didn't push… I lost three people, Dean. I lost three people that I loved. And all of it was my fault because I wouldn't push one of them away." Her voice broke then from just saying the words out loud.  
Dean wanted to reach out and touch her or something, but he couldn't just yet. He knew she'd pull away from him right then if he did, so he kept his hands in his pockets fighting the urge. "What do you mean by that? How was it your fault?"  
"It was just my fault. I fell in love with someone and it cost him his life. And then when I tried to destroy myself with the guilt over that… it cost my parents their lives," she blurted it out now. She was done hiding the truth about herself and the reasons why she distanced herself from him.  
Dean didn't know what to say, he wanted to know the story. Wanted to know what she had done to think she caused that kind of destruction. He knew what that kind of guilt could do to a person though. "I'm… I'm sorry. I didn't know." He looked at her, seeing the hurt from old wounds resurface on her now. "If you want to tell me what happened, I'll listen," he said to her knowing that this was big for her. For her to open up like this, he was getting somewhere with her, and she really was done pushing him away.  
Manda nodded and then she began to tell him the story of how when she was seventeen she'd fallen in love with a boy from school. How she'd kept seeing him against her parents wishes. Then she'd told him about what her family did and agreed to let him come along on her first unsupervised hunt after he bugged her to tag along. She was going to take out a lone vampire, she'd been on at least two vampire jobs before, and her parents thought she could handle it, so they'd sent her.  
But Manda had let her boyfriend come with her, and he'd walked in to the middle of it when he was supposed to be waiting in the car. He'd been ripped apart in front of her because she had hesitated for a moment at the surprise of seeing him wander right in to the middle of things.  
Then after that, she'd been so numb from the pain and the guilt and just wanted to feel something else. A week or so later her parents had tracked down this demon they'd been after for awhile who was leaving a large body count behind him. They weren't going to let Manda go with them, but she had just needed so desperately to destroy herself or something else. She wanted to go so badly and they weren't going to take her, so she jumped the gun and went after it herself the night before they were going to leave without her. But they had figured out what she was going to do and followed her. They knew she couldn't handle it, that she was going to get herself killed.  
Manda had been hell-bent on killing or dying when she got there, and it had wrecked her. She was badly injured and the demon was just beginning to torture her for awhile before it would kill her. Then her parents had shown up, and shortly after that she'd blacked out from the pain she was in. When she came too, the demon was dead or gone, her mother was dead, and her father was barely hanging on. And then he only managed to hang on for a week in the hospital before he died.  
Her father had told her he didn't blame her for it before he died though, that it wasn't her fault at all. But she felt that it was. They'd all died because of her. Her boyfriend had died because she loved him, and her parents had died saving her because they loved her.  
She blamed herself because if she'd just listened to her parents in the first place then everyone would probably still be alive.  
It had taken her awhile to get past all of that that, but when she had, she decided that was it for letting people get too close to her again. It had cost her too much the one time she had let it happen. How she knew then that she could never let it happen again because when she had let herself love someone, not only had it ended with the death of that person, but also with the deaths of the people that loved her most. Love was destructive to and for her, and any more death to come from it would be too much to bear.  
When she was done, Dean didn't know what to say or do. She'd just opened herself up to him, shown her vulnerability to him willingly this time. He wanted to reach out, touch her, hold her, but he wasn't sure he should as she might just pull away from him if he did.  
It was clear she had come to terms with it all sometime, but that it still hurt her. He knew she still felt the guilt deep inside.  
Now it made sense to him now as to why she pushed. Emotions had cost her everything, and they weren't something she wanted to gamble with in that way again.  
The boyfriend was one thing, but the parents were completely another. He'd known they had died during a job, but not any of the other details. Just that some demon had killed them, not that she'd been there or that they'd died saving her. "It… it wasn't your fault. You know that, right? We all make those kinds of mistakes sometime."  
Manda looked at him, wondering how he could get to that conclusion so quickly. "A part of me longs to believe that it wasn't, but it was my fault because I made the mistakes that started it all. I never should have let my boyfriend come with me. If he hadn't have died, I never would have tried to do what I did and my parents would probably still be alive. Hard to say in this life though, something else could have gotten them the week after that for all I know. But it didn't work out that way. It all came down to me and what I did. I caused all of it." Her voice broke a little.  
What could he say? Dean knew what it was like to have that guilt. His father had given up his own life to save him, and it still hurt. He'd managed to learn how to live with it, but that didn't make him feel any less guilty over it at times. "Don't do that."  
"It's done, Dean. I have my guilt, and I live with it. I'll never get rid of it, but I accepted it years ago. Three people I loved died because of me. That never goes away, never." A couple of tears dropped from her eyes then, the pain of recalling her past had finally caught up with her, and she dropped her head down to look at the floor.  
Dean took a step closer towards her, then reached out and titled her chin up so she'd look at him and see he understood. "I know… I know it doesn't, Manda." And he did, he knew all too well. She might have been living with her guilt for longer, but he still had a whole lot of his own, and it never fully went away.  
Manda didn't move as he touched her, she just looked up and in to his eyes. "That's why I push you away, Dean. That guilt… I don't deserve to love or be loved by anyone, and if I didn't push you, I would fall in love with you so easily and..." she stopped. She'd just admitted it, and she hadn't intended on it, but she had. And she had no idea how he'd handle it.  
Dean's mouth dropped a bit. She'd just used the l-word, and he hadn't expected that. Manda pushed away because if she didn't she would fall in love with him. _With me?_ His mind couldn't seem to grasp it.  
He'd come here to talk to her, but so far he'd barely said anything, and now she'd told him her deepest secrets, and then confessed that to him. Dean knew he had to do something, say something, anything, but this situation was… well, not one he had a lot of experience with. The last time he'd been in one similar to this was with Cassie, and that hadn't ended on the best of terms the first time around. And he hadn't seen her since the second time around when he'd helped her out.  
But this was different from that because Manda had known what he was all about from the start, and she lived this hunter life too. And the way she could see inside him and still think she could fall in love with him… it was just hard for him to understand it.  
He moved his hand from under her chin, let it drop to his side, and then just looked at her. "You… you…" He was stammering again, looking for words he didn't know how to use. "Why… how… you would fall in love with me?" Dean asked, finally finding some words. He knew they weren't the right ones. That they weren't even close to the ones he knew he should use, but it was a start.  
And right now he needed to know if he'd just heard her right or not.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've stuck the story out to this point, well... you know what time it is. There's some confessing left to do and all that tension needs to be released. So you know things will be heating up between these two finally.

The room was silent for a minute or two as they stared at each other.  
Dean wished he'd said something else. He should have told her something along the lines that she deserved to love someone, be loved by someone, that the guilt shouldn't stop her from that, or that he could fall for her too. Instead he'd been too busy thinking about how she said she would have fallen in love with him. That had been too much for him.  
Manda wasn't sure what to say. She shouldn't have used that word with him, but there was no way to avoid it. If she was giving him the truth then she had to use it. How could she explain it without watching him run away from this? He'd already pulled back a bit, even moved a step backwards from her now as they looked at each other.  
"Are you going to dash for the door if I do the girl thing on you and turn this into a dreaded chick-flick moment?"  
Dean smirked a little at how she'd labelled it. It was just another reason why he liked her. "Uh… I'll stay. I know this isn't easy for you either."  
"Thanks." She hesitated before she began, knowing where she had to start. "It's almost been ten years since everything happened, and while there have been a few guys that have come close, none of them have come as close as you did. I should have stopped it that night when we were at the bar and then outside late talking. But I couldn't, it was like you knew me. And I kept thinking, maybe… maybe it's time to let someone in again, and really, who better than you?"  
Dean remembered that night, the way they were talking about everything while Sam and Church had been together after they had saved Church. Music, hunts, movies, cars, whatever, it'd been so easy for them to talk to each other. Dean had wanted to make a move on her that night, but he'd been too unsure if he should, which was unusual for him. But out of anyone else she could have had before, it turned out she was thinking she should have let him in.  
"Why me?" Dean had to know why he'd made her want to change her mind.  
"You know why, everything we had in common and yet our differences. Not to mention you know this world like I do, so there was no need to explain anything about my odd life. And it was easy with you, just easy to talk to you, to like you." Manda paused as she remembered it. "But then the next night when you finally worked up the nerve to make your play, you did it when I was drunk. And I could see it in your eyes. How I was different to you, not just some random girl you have no trouble picking up in any other town or city. I had to pull back and shove you away then. I knew where it would go if I didn't."  
Dean knew she was right, she was different to him. He'd been wrong to go about it that way, but it's what he had done. Now that he knew why she pushed him away though, he had to get things out in the open. It was time for him to talk and maybe go as chick-flick as he could back on her.  
"I… I know it was wrong to wait until then, but… you're right, you were different. And you could have just asked me to leave that night instead of starting a fight," he said.  
"I'm sorry I had to do it that way. That I attacked you with loaded comments, but it was the best way for me to do it. If I just asked you to leave, would you really have just left without insisting there was something there between us? Because I was sure you wouldn't, so I had to say things I didn't really want to say. Pick you apart in a way that I knew would work to make you leave." Manda knew that if he had said there was something between them she would have caved that night, and she couldn't do that.  
"You nailed a lot of it though. You were right about a lot of things." Dean hadn't wanted to admit it at the time, but she had been too right about so much of it.  
"No, there's a whole lot more to you than the things I said there was. I was wrong, and I'm sorry for it," Manda uttered softly.  
"Manda, you weren't wrong. I left because you wanted me to, but then I did run. I took off the next day without saying anything to you and then ignored whatever attempts you made to talk to me knowing you were right about me." Dean had finally come clean with why he'd left so suddenly and then ignored her.  
"I wanted to let you stay that night, I wanted it so much, but I couldn't let you. Then when you left the way you did, I knew I deserved that even though it hurt," Manda's voice was full of regret as she spoke.  
"I shouldn't have done that," Dean paused, "but I did. It was harsh, but I… I didn't expect to ever see you again… and then I ran into you here."  
"Yeah, and this hasn't exactly gone much better has it?" she asked the obvious. So far it had gone worse than that one night had.  
"No. I hated seeing you here. It just reminded me of how you turned me down, and everything you said," Dean admitted.  
"It reminded me of it too. Why do you think I fought with you again? I tried to forget how I felt about you, Dean, but seeing you again… it just brought it all back." Manda got really quiet as she said the words.  
"Tell me about it," Dean sighed. His feelings had resurfaced at seeing her again too, even though he had masked them with anger to hide the truth.  
"What I said earlier was wrong. I wasn't trying to forget you, just the feelings I have for you. I wanted to erase them, but I can't. I tried… you saw how hard I tried to deny, fight, and cut it out. Even if it was the wrong way, I tried. And I can't. You're like this little whisper that crept inside of my head and I just can't get you out for the life of me. Then what you did for me last night despite everything else only made those feelings stronger…" Manda stopped, realized she had just told him how much he'd gotten to her.  
Dean wondered why she had stopped, but then he knew when he thought about her words. Manda couldn't get rid of her feelings for him, and she had tried damned hard to do it, but she still had them. He knew he should tell her it was the same for him, but he wasn't ready to just yet.  
"Anyone would have done that for you." He believed it. If anyone had seen what he had they would have jumped in like he did to stop what was going on. Maybe they wouldn't have done all of what he did, but then again, how could he not when it had been her.  
"But it wasn't anyone… it was you." Manda had said the words so quietly they were almost a whisper. "And I remember pieces of it. I know what you did for me." She took a step towards him.  
"What do you remember?" Dean didn't think she would remember any of it, and he hoped she didn't remember some of it.  
She lightly grabbed his hands, stroked his knuckles with her thumbs gently. "I saw you… saw the way you went after that creep. I know how badly you beat him up."  
Dean noticed how she held on to his hands firmly but it still felt so light, and the way her thumbs were stroking his bruised knuckles was so soft. He couldn't believe she'd seen him do that though, she'd been out of it then, or he thought she had been. He hadn't really looked at her until after he was done.  
"Manda, when he…" Dean pulled one of his hands out from hers and then reached up and brushed the back of his fingers across the bruise on her cheek once, watched her close her eyes for a moment at his touch. "I already wanted to deck him before that, but when he hit you…" Dean stopped as his jaw tightened at the memory for a second. "I could have… I couldn't stop myself anymore, I was losing it fast."  
His skin might have been rough, but he'd brushed her cheek gently, and Manda could still feel it there replacing the bruise even though his hand was now back by his side.  
"I'm glad you did, but it was more than that wasn't it? More than just him hitting me?" She figured it was more, but she wanted to hear it from him.  
"Seeing you with him… look, I know I'm not the best guy out there, but right then I couldn't believe that you'd choose a douche-bag like that over me. It drove me nuts. And him thinking he could just take you there on the hood of his car, hitting you for trying to stop him… I wanted to pull him apart." Dean's eyes held a trace of rage as he saw it happening in his mind again, but then they let it go.  
Manda didn't know what to say, she could see the way it bothered him. "Don't think about it." She let go of his other hand, placed both of hers on each side of his face. "I'm sorry you had to see it, but I'm glad you were there for me."  
She was touching him again and any other time he would have pulled away, but he couldn't do that now. "I can't help but think about it. You're worth more than. You're not a girl some guy should use like that and then toss aside like garbage when he's done with her." Dean looked her in the eyes, hoping she could see that she was a whole lot better than that to him.  
Manda removed her hands from his face. She just stared at him then, wondering just how much he thought of her. "That was a really low moment for me, and at that point I wasn't worth much more than that in my head. I didn't set out to be almost raped, but I was low enough not to care where or who I ended up with." She went quiet for a second. "But I started to wonder what I was doing, who this guy on me was, and I tried to get him off. I wanted him off," her voice hardened a bit then.  
"You were out of it and I should have stepped in earlier, but I was frozen, watching it happen. You wouldn't let that happen to you, and I couldn't believe it was. But then he smacked you and that was it. You were getting out of there, he wasn't."  
"I heard your voice and knew I could stop fighting then. I knew you'd take care of me," Manda's voice went soft again as she remembered how all the fight had gone out of her as soon as she'd heard Dean because she had known he would keep her safe.  
"You needed me, Manda, and I was there." Dean couldn't say anything more than that, it was the truth. She should have been able to see he'd take care of her if she needed or wanted him to.  
He was right, Manda knew it. "I know I did, and I know you were there, and I'm grateful you were. I also know that you stayed with me all night though, even when you could have just let Sam come and watch me… but you stayed, Dean."  
Dean's gaze dropped from hers and went towards the floor as he bowed his head down and to a side. He couldn't look at Manda when he knew she could read him. Knew she'd see it in his eyes. That he stayed because he wanted to, because he couldn't let anyone else look after her, not even Sam, because only he could keep her safe, and because he cared, because it was her. He wanted to admit it, that's what he was here for, but he was finding it hard to actually do it.  
"I was a wreck, at my worst, and you stayed. You made sure I was okay. You helped me, even cleaned me up. I remember pieces of it, how you did more than you had to." Manda knew she'd have to get him to look at her, so she stepped another step closer this time, leaving very little space between them now. Then she reached out, went to touch the side of his face with one hand, but instead put her fingers under his chin and lifted his head slightly since she was a bit shorter than him. She wanted to see more than just the side of his face right now.  
"Look at me, Dean." Manda wanted him to turn his head on his own, or at least his gaze, but she'd give him a minute before she did it for him if he wouldn't.  
Dean had let her lift his head a bit, but then he'd looked at the wall. He wanted to look at her, but it was like he couldn't. This was too much. She was right in front of him too, close enough for him to just pull her into his arms, but he didn't know if he could. Everything was out in the open now, and all that was left were the few things he hadn't said – how he really felt about her.  
"Please," she pleaded quietly.  
Dean blinked, and then looked at her out of the corner of his eye. He couldn't refuse her anymore, but it was still difficult to look her in the eye knowing she'd see it before he could say it.  
Manda smiled a little and then moved his head lightly so it was straight and he was looking at her again. Then she moved her hand up to the side of his face, stroking his jaw lightly along the way before she let her hand rest there. She stared him in the eyes. "You stayed with me for a reason. Stayed even after you made sure I was already safe. You want to tell me what that means? Why you did all of what you did for me? Because I think I could say it for you, but you might need to say it out loud yourself. And I'll wait here until you can because I know how hard it is for you to show that side of yourself."  
Dean just looked back into her eyes. He saw there was nothing there but softness now, maybe even a bit of longing too. She was being honest, sweet, even giving him time to work out what he wanted to say. So he should have been able to say it, but he stayed silent for awhile just looking at her, wondering what would happen if they let themselves fall for each other.  
Manda didn't know how long it would take him. She'd given him the opportunity to say something, and if he had really wanted to then he should have found the words already. She thought maybe she'd been wrong then or maybe that she should give him some space. That space might make it easier for him for say whatever he had to say.  
Her hand left his face, and she almost sighed as she took a step back from him.  
Dean couldn't believe she'd stepped back now. He'd just been about to finally say something, and then she'd moved away from him. He didn't know if she was trying to make this easier or harder for him. And now he'd lost the words that had been coming up just then.  
She waited a minute, hoping that the space she'd given him would help. But he was still quiet, just looking at her and then past her, and now Manda started to feel that she'd been wrong.  
"I'm not expecting a grand gesture here since we're not exactly Hallmark movie of the week people. I just wanted some truth… but I won't pressure you for it. If I was wrong or you can't say it, then that's okay, I understand."  
Dean just looked at her. All she wanted was the truth from him about how he felt, and he knew he should give her that.  
She smiled sadly as the silence from him was starting to sting her inside. "But I'm going to get some air, give you a little time to work out what you want to do here." She turned to leave and felt that sting from his silence starting to burn as she reached for the knob of the door.  
Dean didn't want her to go, he couldn't let her go. He stepped forward, came up right behind and just a step to her right. "Manda…" he said quietly as he reached out over her arm and placed his right hand on top of hers just as it reached the doorknob. Then he leaned his head forward to be beside hers. "Don't go," he whispered in her ear. "You're not wrong," he said softly as his lips brushed her hair because of how close he was to her now.  
Manda's breath caught and she slightly gasped. She had wanted this to happen, but hadn't expected it to right now. Her eyes shut as soon as he whispered, and she tried not to shiver. He was so close, finally ready to talk, and she couldn't move. But she had to let him know she was staying, so she nodded a little because that was all she could do. There were no words she could say, even if she had been able to find her voice.  
Dean caught a stronger scent of her shampoo when she nodded because he was so close. He knew it was honey and almond since he'd seen the bottle of it in the bathroom last night, but not that it smelled so good and sweet. Her nod had been to let him know she was staying, and she was still, not moving, letting him keep her there. "Since you're staying," he said before he lifted her hand from the doorknob and guided her arm back to her side. He let go for a second then slipped his hand under hers the other way now to lace his fingers properly with hers.  
Manda knew Dean could be sweet since he'd already been that way with her last night and this morning, and now he was doing it again. She also knew he wasn't exactly the hand holding type either, so she squeezed lightly when his fingers locked with hers to reassure him.  
He didn't know why he had to hold Manda's hand just then, but it seemed right to Dean to do it in that moment after how honest she had been with him. She had let him keep her there, hadn't pulled away from him as he took her hand away from the door. Now she had squeezed his hand when he put his fingers through hers to let him know that it was okay, she wasn't going anywhere on him now.  
Dean knew it was time to be open with Manda the way she'd been open with him, that she was right about him needing to say it out loud.  
He took a deep breath, inhaled the scent of her shampoo again, and then kept his head lightly against hers before he began to say the words he needed to. "You know why I stayed… why I did all of what I did," Dean's voice was gentle and a little above a whisper. "Because it was you, Manda, and it's like you said… you're different." His voice was a louder now, but it was still low.  
Dean let his words sink in for her for a moment.  
Manda just stood there with her eyes closed. She kind of wished Dean would face her, but if this was easier for him, then she'd take it. He was so close to her, still holding her hand, and he had pressed his head against hers so lightly. This was the side of Dean she had seen inside of him before, the one she knew could make falling in love with him even easier, and the one he didn't show because he couldn't or just didn't know how to most of the time.  
"Last night after everything at the bar… I couldn't just leave you with Sam once you were back here. You know that… that it had to be me who was here with you. The way you looked at me before I carried you in here… I had to stay… I wanted to stay. I saw it in your eyes when you recognized me. How you would only feel safe if you were with me. I felt that way too. You were only safe if I was here with you." Dean didn't believe that the words that had seemed so hard before were now coming easily.  
Manda just listened to him as he was coming out with the truth.  
Dean moved his head away from hers now, but kept it tilted near her ear still. "So I stayed and took care of you because that's what you needed from me. Even if you didn't want me there, I wasn't leaving or letting anything else happen to you."  
"Thank you," she whispered and turned her head to look at him.  
Dean looked at her for a moment, then let go of her hand, put both hands on her shoulders and started turning her to face him. He was done hiding from her now, and he only had a few things left to say.  
Manda let him guide her into the turn, and then let her eyes find his.  
He slid his hands from her shoulders to her neck, and then cupped her face in his hands. "Manda… you get me, the things you seem to understand about me… it's just…" Dean stopped, not knowing if he should say scary.  
"You scare me too, Dean, with what you seem to know about me." Manda reached up with one hand and brushed the back of one finger along his jaw before she let her hands wrap around his wrists.  
Dean nodded in agreement. He was glad she had finished it for him by admitting to the same thing. "Which is why you pushed and I ran, even when I never wanted to go. I tried to forget everything too, but then seeing you again, it just…," he paused and leaned his face in a little closer to hers now. "I can't fight what's here or what I still feel anymore."  
Manda heard the words and that was it for her. She leaned in closer and gave him one sweet and gentle kiss that lingered for a few seconds. Then she pulled back to look at him.  
They stared at each other for a little. Both of them smiled as they knew and could see what the other wanted, the yearning for each other rising with each passing second.  
Dean couldn't take it anymore, his lips crashed against hers. His kiss was harder than hers had been, and her lips parted quickly to let him go deeper with it just as his hands left her face and went to knot in her hair.  
Manda put her arms around Dean and pulled his body closer to hers.  
Their kisses were hard and fast, full of an urgent need for the other. It was like a hunger now with the way their mouths were locked on each other.  
Dean was sliding off the unzipped sweater she was wearing over a tank top as he edged her backwards, and it fell somewhere by her feet as her back hit the door.  
He pulled back for a moment and caressed her face with one hand just before Manda grinned as she pulled his face back to hers and arched her back a bit, leaving her shoulders more against the door behind her.  
His hands went to her hips and he pulled her closer but pushed her back in to the door at the same time as his mouth crushed into hers again.  
Manda broke away from the kiss and let her lips graze down his jaw line, then a bit down the side of his neck, and back up to his ear as she starting tugging at and then pulling up his t-shirt.  
Dean let go of her and raised his arms to let her pull it off him, then he wrapped his hands around her wrists and pressed her arms up against the door just as she let it fall from her hands.  
He gave her a moment to breathe by only giving her short and soft kisses before his hands slid down her arms to her body, and his lips went down her throat. He smiled as he continued going back up when she moaned softly in response and raked her fingers through his hair.  
His mouth met hers again, and his hands slipped under the back of her shirt to sweep along a bit of her spine and then out across her waist.  
Manda shivered at his touch as the goose bumps spread across her from how light it had been. And now his hands were grabbing at the sides of her tank top and pulling up, so she let him keep going.  
Dean lifted her shirt over her head and raised arms, then tossed it. "Definitely better this time," he whispered and looked down at her with a grin before her hands found the back of his neck then and she pulled him back to her again.  
Manda teased him with a few gentle bites of his bottom lip in between kisses. His hands were exploring her now and she was trying not to moan again at the way they were sliding and slightly squeezing in places at times.  
Dean realized he was still trying to press her further into the door as he tried to get closer, but couldn't. Then as if she was reading his mind, Manda wrapped a leg around one of his and tried pulling him closer that way. His hands found her waist and he lifted her up so she could wrap herself around him. Her legs went first around his waist before her arms went behind his neck.  
Manda's mouth had broken from his but went back quickly with kisses hard enough to bruise his lips.  
Dean didn't need to hold her on to her since she was wrapped tightly around him and she was still pressed against the back of the door. He let his hands wander over her again and felt her tremble slightly when his hand brushed against the scars on her shoulder, as his hand swept over it and then down her arm taking the strap of her bra with it.  
Manda was breathing fast and hard from his kisses and from the way he was touching her. She was thankful he let her catch a breath as he stopped, brushed back some of her hair and blew gently on her ear. Then he kissed another imaginary trail down the side of her throat but kept going a little down her chest this time.  
She tossed back her head a bit and moaned loudly. She was growing more impatient as he worked his way back up. "Dean…," she moaned out his name. "Stop teasing me already," she said short of breath.  
Dean laughed a little as he blew on her ear softly again and gave the lobe a gentle bite. "No," he muttered sweetly.  
The word floated into her ear and her patience level was wearing so thin now.  
"Yes," she half whimpered as her fingers found his chin and she moved his face back in front of hers.  
Dean gave her a naughty smile. "Soon."  
Manda faked a pout and then she gave him a long, deep and intense kiss. She let her nails lightly dig into his back too.  
Dean broke away to catch his breath, her tongue had been doing things to his that drove him wild. "Now who's teasing?" he moaned out the question.  
She bit her own lip gently and gave him a sexy giggle. "You still."  
He chuckled, knowing she was mostly right. Dean knew he was teasing Manda not just with his actions, but also with words now. He gave her one sweet, soft kiss that lasted for awhile as her hands threaded through his hair.  
Dean broke away from her mouth and just looked at her for a moment as he brushed back her some of hair again.  
Both of them were breathing hard and fast from the way their pulses were racing because of each other, and being short on air.  
He needed to know that before he moved her from here that she really wanted this and him. Dean was sure she did, but he wanted to hear it from her.  
He leaned his face in close to her again. "Manda," he whispered in her ear then brushed his lips on her skin just under it. "You're not going to pull back from me this time are you?"  
His breath was hot as it crawled down her neck. Manda moaned softly again, she wasn't sure she could take much more of this, but she would play his game, drive him hot and crazy back. "You're not going to leave on me this time are you, Dean?" she whispered very playfully and low beside his ear.  
Manda had whispered the return challenge of a question in his ear so breathy and flirty that it only turned him on even more. And she had complained that he was teasing her when she was driving him up the wall wild with everything she was doing.  
Dean pulled back his head to look at her first, knowing she probably needed to hear it from him just as much as he needed to hear it from her. "I'm not going anywhere," he said before his lips found her slightly opened ones briefly.  
She broke away, pulled her head back just a little. "Good." Then Manda teased him with a false start or two before she gave him an open mouth kiss that was so light it barely touched his lips, only gave a flick of her tongue, and left the warmth of her breath to mix with his.  
Dean could only groan as she pulled her head back again because she was making it really hard for him to hold off from just taking her right there.  
Manda put one hand on the side of his head and let her thumb stroke in his hair behind his ear as she looked him straight in the eyes. "Neither am I," she said with a smile.  
Dean could see the fire in her eyes burning for him. That was all he needed to know, and he was almost ready to stop teasing her now as his arms went around her. He held her tightly even though she was still wrapped around him as he took a step backwards and turned them around.  
Then his mouth went for hers again and never left it as he led them to the bed where they could give in to the desire they were done fighting and denying, and let themselves have the kind of the night they should have had a month before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure Dean would have done some of that, but that's where it went while I was writing it. Hope he's not too out of line in that. Did he open up just right?  
> As well as it makes a note of saying perhaps with what happened to her, Manda probably should have hesitated a bit in hooking up with Dean, but she knew she was safe with him.


	13. Chapter 13

There was only the faint glow of the clock beside the bed and a sliver of light that leaked through the curtains that could be seen as Manda awoke in the dark room. She wondered for a minute what had happened to the light that had been on, but then realized Dean must have turned it off after she'd fallen asleep.  
_Dean._ The thought of him made her grin and her eyes looked for him.  
His face was just a few inches from hers. He was on his side, one arm under the pillow, the other around her under the tangled sheet that covered most of them.  
She took it all in. How he was asleep beside her breathing lightly, the warmth of his arm around her with his hand resting against her back, the way her hand was touching his somewhere under the pillows. He looked peaceful, content even as he slept. And all of it made her smile even more.  
Manda lay there on her side looking at him and feeling like time had stopped. She felt as if everything else had slipped away and it was only him and her right then and there. She'd forgotten everything else as she looked at him in this moment.  
Then Dean moved, his arm left her and reality stared her in the face. The smile vanished from her face as her gaze fell upon the handprint on his upper arm and everything she had forgotten came rushing back.  
They were who they were – hunters – and they would never be anything else but that.  
He and she would be nothing more than what had happened in this room because there was no room for a "them" in this kind of life.  
Their hands were only touching because they'd probably reached for the same spot under the pillows out of habit from sleeping with a weapon under it most nights for too many years.  
The content on Dean's face was rare and temporary. Manda knew he was haunted by whatever had happened to him in Hell while he was awake and asleep. She didn't know the specifics, but she knew that whatever had happened would be with him for the rest of his life. And that while maybe for this moment in time whatever anguish Dean held wasn't the main theme in his dreams and thoughts, nothing chased it away forever. Manda would give anything to rid him of it, because even though their situations weren't the same, she knew what it was like to live with things that tore you apart on the inside. But she would never be able to free him of it.  
She couldn't free him of whatever was in store for him either. Nobody was pulled out of Hell for just anything. He obviously had some major role to play in this war they were fighting, and as much as Manda wanted to stay with him, to keep him with her, all of that trumped what she wanted. Dean was needed elsewhere, and she would have to let him go. They would have to go their separate ways because they had different paths to walk, and there was nothing she could do to change that.  
Manda knew she was falling in love with him now. She also knew she didn't deserve him, and that he didn't deserve whatever ruin she might bring to him with how much he already had to deal with.  
All of the realizations hurt, but the one that stung the most was that they could never be anything more than this. They would only be this night, maybe one more if they were lucky, and that would be it.  
She felt that it had been right to give in and finally let someone get close. But right now it felt wrong, and Manda felt like she was letting Dean down because she wanted to run as everything sank in, and that would only put them back at square one.  
Dean had given her more than the truth. He had also given her the gesture she hadn't been expecting. His words had been sweet, he had been sweet, and he had showed her the side of himself so few ever got to see.  
He'd also given her what was probably the best night she'd ever had with anyone. It was one she would definitely never forget either.  
With anyone else it had always been just sex – sometimes good, sometimes bad. Manda was always somewhat detached from it though, and that usually made it virtually emotion free since after her boyfriend had died. She had mostly held back on feeling anything for any of the men she'd slept with except for what was just heat in that moment – a lust that lasted no longer than a short while. There might have been one or two she had connected to on a level that was a little deeper than momentary lust, but none like this.  
After they had finally confronted each other with how they both felt, and the air had been cleared of her secrets from the past that made her push, all of that left very little between them in that aspect, but a whole lot more in another. So with Dean she had finally let herself feel everything again, and it had been amazing in every way for her.  
Now she was falling, but she was struggling with it already just like she had known she would.  
Love was a cursed emotion to Manda. She wanted to love Dean, she was almost ready to too, but it was choking her. She didn't know if she knew how to love someone again, wasn't sure that she could either, or why if she did that it had to be to with a person she knew she could never hold on to.  
Manda needed to breathe then, and as long as she was beside Dean she couldn't.  
She slipped out of the bed as slowly and as quietly as she could, not wanting to wake him.  
It took her a minute to work out where her clothes had ended up. The ones on the floor by the bed were easiest, so she put on them first and almost silently before she'd get the rest by the door.  
She stood next to the bed for a moment and looked over Dean. He was sound asleep and it was obvious he was dreaming. She hoped that if he was dreaming of her right then that it was of the Manda that had been with him a few hours ago because she was probably hundred times better than the one that was leaving him now.  
She leaned down and lightly kissed him on the cheek. "Please understand… I'm sorry," she whispered next to his ear as she let her fingers barely stroke his hair.  
Dean moaned softly as his lips curled in a smile, and then he buried his face into the pillow as she pulled herself away from him.  
Manda smiled sadly as she took another look at what was in the bed before her – a man that had proved he was enough to handle someone like her, a man that could be someone she would give her heart to, and also a man that would never truly be hers because of too many things.  
She turned and walked towards the door, picking up her keys along the way. Manda stopped for a moment trying to find her tank top, but had no idea where it had ended up. Her sweater was at her feet though, so she picked it up and put it on. As she zipped it up, the sound made her wince. She looked back at the bed hoping it had only sounded extremely loud in her head and not been loud enough to have woken Dean.  
Dean was still asleep though, and she was still sorry for doing this to him after everything. She wanted to kick herself, but this was what she had to do right now, and she hoped that when he woke, he would understand.  
Manda walked out of the room and left Dean there alone in bed as the door softly clicked shut behind her.

[ - ]

Dean woke to an empty bed. He'd rolled over and reached out expecting to touch Manda, but all he felt was the coolness of the sheets on the other side of the bed. His eyes had shot open then, because he knew he'd been sleeping beside her, but where was she now?  
He sat up and half expected her to be sitting somewhere watching him, but as he looked around he saw she wasn't, a sense of disappointment started to settle in.  
The room was still, silent, dark, and he was alone.  
Dean looked at the clock to see that was just about four a.m. now. He almost wanted to laugh at that moment because usually he'd be sneaking out if this was anyone else and he was still here. But he'd been with Manda, this had been different for him and he had wanted to stay.  
Sometimes he stuck around if the sex had been good, but this whole thing had been more than just great sex for both of them, and he knew it. They had come clean with each other on how they felt, and then all the tension gave way to the pent-up passion that existed between them.  
Afterwards, when she'd fallen asleep in his arms, Dean had watched her for awhile and thought about things. Manda reminded him of just how badly he wanted out of this life sometimes, what it might be like to settle down eventually, and how he could never have that no matter how much he wanted it, as she slept there next to and against him. He had clicked out the light then and decided he had to just savour this for what it was – a glimpse of how life could be if it wasn't the way it was.  
He'd gone to sleep looking forward to waking up to her, being with her again, and enjoying whatever time they could afford to spend together. Apparently though, she didn't share the same thought because here he was alone now.  
This didn't happen to him, waking up alone like this. Dean would either leave or he would awaken to find a girl still with him. He couldn't even remember the last time he this had happened come to think of it. Dean always left first, it was just the way he was.  
Manda certainly knew how to drive him crazy. Now by leaving him in her bed by himself, well, Dean had to smile a little at how much more attractive that made her to him, even if he was disappointed and slightly confused by it. A part of him might have guessed it would end up this way, but at the same time he was sure Manda would have been there still when he opened his eyes.  
Hadn't she told him she wanted him? Whispered it in his ear at one point even? Hadn't she said she wasn't going anywhere? Wasn't she supposed to be done pushing and running? She had said all of that and more with her words and her actions, so where the hell was she?  
Dean lied back down and tried to think of why she would leave after everything. He thought maybe she just stepped out for air, or gone to get something from the vending machines, or maybe her phone had gone off and she had to take the call or something. So he decided he'd wait awhile and see if she came back soon.  
She wasn't here, and as he lay there he felt the only trace of her left in this room was on the pillow beside his, the sheets, and all over him. It only reminded him of what had happened after they'd finally gotten their feelings out to each other.  
Dean wondered if that's what had made Manda leave. She'd let her emotions leak through with him, and not only did he know it by the things she had said, but he'd felt it in the way she had been with him. There'd been such a change in her that it had been hard not to notice. He was sure it was the same for him too. Both of them had exposed their softer sides to each other after all.  
He wondered if she was freaked out by it now. She had admitted nobody had gotten as close to her as he had in almost ten years. And then after everything was laid out on the table between them, he knew he'd gotten a whole lot closer. So maybe she had panicked and ran. He hoped she hadn't run or wasn't doing this to push him away again after everything, but it sure felt like either one of those two things.  
Dean knew he couldn't offer Manda more than what he had to give, which might only be right here and now, and he should have told her that. That he would be willing to give her whatever she needed for the time they could have together. How he would even try to give her more if that's what she wanted in the end. He could try to anyway, he couldn't promise her anything but he could at least try if that was what she wanted.  
Maybe then she wouldn't have gone, but he wasn't sure. She was predictable but then unpredictable at the same time.  
Dean wasn't even sure why she had left, if she had really left as in for good or just nipped out somewhere to wrap her mind around things. He knew he should find out by turning on the light to see if all Manda's things were gone or look out the window to see if her car was still parked right outside. But he didn't want to leave this spot just yet.  
The memory was there, her imprint was there, and he could still feel her, smell her, and taste her even if she hadn't been there for awhile now.  
Dean hated this life for so many reasons, and this would just be another one. It would probably cost him another chance at something he longed for most, a normal and stable life, the one he could never have. After everything that had happened and everything he felt, he knew that if he could have it though, then Manda was probably the one he would choose to be at his side for it. He was falling for her, and it hurt him a little to think this was all they would have.  
There were always things that weren't possible and couldn't be had though. This life was filled with prices to pay, and Dean knew that a relationship with Manda was one of them. He wished that it wasn't the case, but there didn't seem to be much choice for either of them when it came down to it. There would be no way to maintain one properly with their lives.  
Dean looked at the clock again and saw that at least twenty minutes had gone by. He sighed and rubbed his face. He figured Manda wasn't coming back at all, that she had actually snuck out and left him behind after one amazing night.  
He smiled sadly to himself as he inhaled deeply with his eyes closed. Everything about her was already committed to his memory, and he wouldn't trade it for anything, well, except for her to have actually been there right then.  
He sat up again, clicked on the light finally, and looked around. Manda's bags were still on the floor where she had dropped them earlier, her phone and wallet were on the table, and there were some clothes folded on one of the chairs.  
Dean smiled as he got out of bed, picked up his clothes and got dressed. He knew that if she'd left that stuff behind, then she hadn't gone too far.  
He walked over to the window, pulled back the curtain a bit and looked outside. Her Chevelle was still parked right out front of the room. He grinned a little wider when he noticed a faint light glowing from inside it, how the driver's seat was pushed forward against the steering wheel, and that there was a pair of knees sticking up from the backseat.  
Manda hadn't gone far at all, and Dean wasn't going to waste anymore time in her room now that he knew she hadn't actually left.  
He went to put on his boots first, then he found his shirt by the door on his way out, and tossed it on.  
Then Dean walked out of her room and made his way over to her car to find out why she had let him wake up alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone worried she had actually left? Just slipped out and took off leaving Dean to wake up alone? Chances are that probably would never quite happen to him.


	14. Chapter 14

Dean walked quietly up the to driver's side of the car. The window was rolled down and Manda lying on her back in the backseat.  
Her knees were raised because her feet sat resting by the small window in the back on the driver's side and her arms were folded on her stomach. Her head was turned to face the front, and her mouth was moving along to the music that he could hear as he stood. She was singing along silently with her eyes closed, feeling the words of Janis Joplin's version of "To Love Somebody." Dean knew she was feeling it, he could see it in the way she was singing along.  
He also knew that if she was out here listening to that, which might have suited her right now when he thought about, then she was most likely trying to work stuff out in her head to do with him.  
Dean watched her through the window for a minute or two and found Manda looked relaxed that way, just losing herself in the music in the early hours of the morning in the back of her car. He kind of felt like he was intruding on her though, but he had to find out why she had been out here instead of inside with him.  
"Prefer backseats to beds do you?" Dean made the crack as he put his hands on the roof and leaned down into the window a bit.  
Manda froze for a second, then laughed and opened her eyes to look at him. "Sometimes."  
Dean raised a brow and smirked. "I'll remember that."  
"You do that," Manda chuckled, dropped her feet from the window and sat up.  
"So… just needed a little Joplin, huh?" Dean was going to edge his way lightly into what he wanted to know from her.  
"Uh huh… just needed to hear that kind of wailing right now." Manda wasn't lying, she had needed something to help her collect her thoughts about what she was feeling, and Janis always sang it from the heart and with a whole lot of soul.  
Dean knew what she meant by that, sometimes nothing else hit the spot like a song you just needed to hear. "Okay."  
"I should have figured you would be up by now, it's your last chance to sneak out before dawn right?" Manda chuckled a tiny bit. She meant it as a joke, but she also wondered if that's what he would have done if she had stayed in bed next to him.  
He laughed and looked amused. She had him there since that was what he normally did, and Dean knew it, and apparently she did too.  
"I'm the one who woke up alone, so who snuck out?" He tried to hold back another smirk, but it cracked through at her then.  
Manda knew he had her with that one. "Touché," she smiled sheepishly back at Dean.  
Both of them knew they had to talk to each other then, but neither was sure how to go about it.  
Manda leaned forward to the door and popped the handle from the inside.  
Dean backed up and let her open the door a bit before he grabbed the side of it and opened it wide enough for him to climb into the back.  
She moved back so Dean would have room and sat sideways on the seat with one leg folded in front of her and tucked under the one that went down to the floor.  
Once Dean had climbed in to the back with her, he figured he should face her so he put his arm across the top of the backseat and twisted a little so that he was. He noticed that her car was smaller than his on the inside and for the way they were both sitting, one of her knees touched one of his.  
Manda looked at him and tried to read him, but she couldn't figure out what might have been going on in his head besides the obvious – wondering why she had left.  
"Guess I should start with the elephant huh?"  
Dean nodded. "It's a pretty big one."  
She exhaled deeply and wondered where to start. Should she tell him he made her a mess of emotions she'd forgotten she had? Or that something inside her still wanted to run from this and him? Or how sorry she was that she had left him, but reality had sunk in and she needed out of that room? How now she wanted more than he could give her, but she would never ask him for it?  
He could see she was having trouble trying work out what she wanted to say. "Manda, after everything…"  
"I'm not pulling away, Dean. I just… I needed to breathe, and lying beside you I couldn't," Manda spoke quietly.  
Dean had known she needed time to think since she had probably overloaded on emotions. "Took your breath away did I… that a complaint or a compliment?" he joked, trying to keep it light.  
Manda laughed a little. "You don't need me to tell you how good you are when you already know, but uh… that's not what I meant."  
"True. And I know that's not what you meant." He knew he needed to quit joking around on her now.  
"Can you handle another girl moment?" She looked at him seriously.  
"I'll survive." Dean gave her a soft smile.  
"I'm sorry I left you alone, but the truth is I had the urge to run when I woke up. Don't get me wrong, this is what I wanted, it's just that I realized some stuff…" Manda trailed off trying to think of how much more to say.  
"Okay, so what did you realize?" He wondered if she had come to the same conclusions he did.  
"Being with you was like an overload for me, and when I woke up… for awhile I forgot about what we do and who we are. It was nice, great if I have to admit it actually, to feel that kind of normalcy for just a little while. But then it sank in, that's all this is ever going to be for us, a moment of normalcy and a taste of something we can't have."  
"It was great," Dean admitted back to her.  
Manda smiled kind of sadly at him. "Don't take this the wrong way okay, but you made me feel so all alone. What we do, it comes with a big amount of loneliness, and most days I can deal with that because of not letting anyone get close. But sometimes I long for more than this. Always have if I'm honest with myself, and you… I looked at you and that longing set in for a different life than this one."  
Dean looked at her in disbelief and then tried to hide it. She had been thinking the same things he had. "I know."  
"But when I looked at that handprint on your arm, Dean, it reminded me that despite what I might want, it's not what I can have."  
"That. I never… I didn't…" Dean stammered because he didn't know how to get out the words. That handprint had brought him back from hell, but it came with a lot of torment, and some major strings attached to it, ones he wasn't even fully sure of what they were.  
"I'm not going to ask you to talk about it because I know that you can't, and I respect that. It's something you never wanted and didn't choose, but it's a part of who you are, and it just made reality a whole lot clearer than the fairytale I had in my head when I forgot everything." Manda hated to admit it to him, but it was the truth.  
Dean just stared at her with relief and a bit of surprise. He was glad she wasn't going to ask because she understood that he couldn't talk about it. The pain that was attached to it… no one could understand that though.  
"I wish things were different for you, but they're not. It's clear you've got a bigger role to play in this war or whatever it is we fight, and that's a part of what I realized. I might want you with me, Dean, but I can't hold on to you," her voice broke just a little.  
A minute or two passed and Manda knew she had touched upon things that would cause him to back away, but she needed to know he would still listen. "Dean?"  
"Uh huh," he mumbled.  
"I only left you there because I realized that I'm falling for you and there's no way to keep you. You have to go one way, and I have to go another. I wish, god… I wish so much that things were different, but they're not and we both know it." Manda reached out to touch him, but then wasn't sure she should.  
Dean looked at her again. "If things were different, Manda…" he stopped because the reality of it was too much for him to finish.  
"I know," she said as she touched his face lightly with one hand. "I know."  
He just looked at her seeing that she did know. She could see it in him, how if things were different tomorrow they would most likely be together.  
"I might want to love you, but after today or tomorrow I have to let you go, and that hurts. Maybe we'll meet up again, maybe we won't… I have no idea. But I'm never going to ask you for more than you can give or to be someone you're not because I know better than that. Neither of us is really looking for a commitment either, because it's not what we can have even if we might want it." Manda withdrew her hand from him then.  
"Sure you're not psychic like Sam was?" Dean had to crack a joke to lighten the mood in the car then. She had all of it right, and he couldn't deny it and didn't want to think about some of it, so he made a joke instead.  
"Enough of the seriousness, I get it," Manda laughed lightly.  
"So… if this is all the time we have…" Dean looked at her suggestively with a smile.  
She laughed a little harder this time. "Seriously, you're going to pull a bad movie line? I should have known."  
"It's one of the best." He grinned.  
She could only laugh because the switch from serious to playful was so easy for them, and she loved it. "Maybe, but come on…"  
"Well, we're in a backseat too…" Dean smirked at her again.  
Manda smacked him in the arm, but not hard as she burst out laughing. "Remembered that, huh?"  
"Told you I would," he teased.  
"Well in that case…" She crawled across what little space was between them, and then over him, then straddled him and placed her hands on the top of the seat on each side of him. "If this is all the time we have together then I guess we better make the most of it," Manda tried not to laugh as she smiled at him because of how cheesy the line was. She was giving in, willing to take whatever time they could actually have together.  
"Now who's pulling the line?" Dean grinned because not only had she finished his line, but she was making the move to let him know she was truly okay with enjoying the time they could spare to be with each other.  
"Are you going to shut up and kiss me now or do I have to…"  
Dean cut her off as he went in for the kill, a kiss that started out soft but got harder and deeper fast. He knew it would leave her wanting more as he pulled his head back and looked at her.  
"Keep going with the lines until you do," she finished the end of her line from before his kiss. "But it looks like I don't have to."  
Dean just looked at her and had a smile that mirrored in his eyes. "You're a hell of a woman you know."  
Manda could see the way his smile reached his eyes, and knew it was rare for it to go that deep. "Maybe… but if that's your attempt at telling me you're falling for me then get on with it 'cause time's wasting," she just looked him in the eyes and grinned back at him.  
Dean wanted to laugh because she had managed to use another line. He loved that, he had almost forgotten how she could pull them as fast as he did. "Well," he kissed her sweetly before he continued, "we wouldn't want to waste anymore time," he finished with a harder kiss.  
"Nice… he uses a line instead of actually saying it," she murmured out from against his lips and pulled back.  
"Yeah, you almost took them all," he smiled a bit ruefully.  
"Good save." She was done talking now, and her mouth went his.  
Dean didn't stop her and his lips parted almost instantly for her to go deeper with her kiss as he moved them in one swift move to have her on her back under him.  
Manda smiled briefly and then locked her mouth to his.  
Dean heard her stomach growl and broke away to chuckle. "When's the last time you ate?"  
"Um…" she thought about it for a moment, "maybe over a day ago."  
"You should eat then."  
"Aw, looking after me again… or are you just starving too?"  
He nodded as it was a bit of both for him. He was a hungry, but more of his hunger was for something besides food right now.  
"It can wait…" She stretched her neck up to kiss him again.  
"You're right," he agreed, not needing much persuasion as their mouths met.  
Her stomach growled again and made them both break away to laugh.  
"Breakfast?" he asked.  
"Breakfast," she agreed.  
Dean raised himself off and back from her. "You're buying."  
"You sure know how to treat a girl. Making her buy her own pancakes… nice," she laughed as she sat up.  
"Well, you do owe me for a few things," he said teasingly and raised a brow at her.  
"Yeah I do…" she smiled. "I'll start making it up to you with breakfast then, but let me grab my wallet from inside."  
"Make it quick. As you said, time's wasting."  
"Then start up the car and be ready to get out of here when I get back."  
Dean grinned. "You're going to let me drive the Chevelle?"  
Manda just nodded. "I trust you with her," she said as she leaned forward, pushed the passenger's front seat up, and then opened the door so she could get out.  
"I'll treat her like she's mine," Dean uttered as he was already climbing out of the back.  
"I know you will, and for that I'm even going to let you choose the music," Manda said as she climbed out and walked back to her room.  
Dean had a content smirk on his face as he got into the driver's seat and started up her car. He adjusted the seat to his liking, and then picked up her iPod. He was tempted to disconnect it, but this was her car and she would kick his ass for it. He was scanning through it noting their similar taste again and where it differed as he looked for something he knew would make her laugh, and something he wanted to hear.  
Manda took a moment to grab her wallet, find her tank-top and put it back on underneath her sweater while she was in her room.  
Dean found the song he was looking for and chuckled to himself as he waited for her to come back. It was going to be funny to see her reaction, but he knew it fit pretty well for how he was feeling right then, and probably would for her too.  
She walked out of the room and got back into the car. "So… find something to listen to?"  
He nodded and hit the play button.  
Manda looked at him and broke into a loud laugh as she heard Bad Company's 'Feel Like Makin' Love' fill the speakers. "Take it that's breakfast to go then?"  
"Damn straight, time is wasting, remember?" Dean smiled at her as he threw the car in reverse and they left.

[ - ]

Four nights and three days. That was all the time they could afford to spend with each other. That time passed too quickly for them though, and before they knew it the time to say goodbye was arriving.  
That morning they'd woken up early to be with each other one last time and have a better goodbye than the one that would come a little later on.  
Manda had found it hard to pull herself out of bed and away from him to get ready.  
Dean didn't say much about why, but he held her there longer than he needed to before she made him leave when she went to get ready.  
Church was leaving first that same morning. She had stuck around since she wanted to spend a little time with Sam after they had taken care of the spirit the second night.  
Everyone went to see her off, but Dean and Manda left Sam to have a moment alone with her and went to finish packing up.  
After Church had been gone for awhile, Manda checked out and then drove her car near Sam and Dean's room.  
Dean had decided they would follow her out since they were going in the same direction for just a little while.  
They had just finished throwing their things in the trunk and were getting into the Impala when she pulled ahead of them and stopped.  
"You could ride with her for awhile. I can follow you," Sam said.  
He thought about it, but then Dean shook his head. "Nah, we'll follow her."  
Sam looked a little surprised as he got in the car, but he figured Dean would pull her over on the road before she went one way and they went another.  
Dean started up the car and honked to let her know she could go.  
Manda pulled out of the lot and on to the road where she saw the Impala not far behind her in the rear view mirror.  
Two hours later on the road her turn was coming up so Dean flashed his lights at her to indicate she should pull over.  
Manda noticed the signal, pulled off on to the shoulder and parked, then watched him follow suit.  
She got out of her car at the same time he and Sam got out of theirs.  
They met half way between the cars.  
"Your turn's just a bit ahead," Dean said.  
"Yeah." Her tone was quiet as the reality of goodbye was sinking in.  
Dean looked at her for a moment. "Mind if I check under the hood of your car? She didn't sound right to me."  
Sam stifled a laugh.  
Manda nodded. "Uh, sure, she sounded okay to me, but you know more about that stuff than I do."  
He walked past her, went and popped her hood, then stuck himself in front of it.  
Manda stood there with Sam.  
"He's delaying this you know," Sam said to her.  
"I know," she kind of laughed.  
"Maybe Dean won't say it but that's one way for him to make sure you're going to be safe out on the road." Sam knew Dean was being a bit protective now that she was leaving.  
Manda smiled a bit. "I figured, the car sounds fine to me. I've had it since I was sixteen… I know when she's not running up to par by now."  
Sam laughed.  
Dean came out from behind the hood but kept it raised. He walked past them and went to get something out of his trunk then went back to her car.  
"Anyway, thanks for taking care of that job."  
"Sure, glad to have helped. I probably would have missed it if you didn't let me in on it in the first place," Sam smiled.  
She smiled back at him. "Well, guess I'll see you around sometime. It was good seeing you again."  
"You too."  
Manda gave him a light hug then stepped back. "Goes without saying, but take care of him please."  
"Of course," Sam nodded. "Bye, Manda."  
"Bye, Sam," Manda said before she turned and walked back to her car.  
Sam walked back to the Impala and got in on the passenger's side. He knew his brother and Manda needed a few minutes to say goodbye now.  
Dean shut the hood, wiped his hands off on a rag he had gotten out of his trunk then tucked it into his back pocket.  
Manda was leaning against the driver's door in front of the window. "Everything good under there?"  
Dean walked over to her, stood on the other side of her towards the back of the car and leaned back. "Yeah, but you're going to need an oil change soon."  
She nodded. "I'll get that done. Thanks."  
"No problem," Dean said quietly.  
Both of them went silent for a minute. This was goodbye and while neither of them really wanted it, they knew it had to happen.  
"Oh, before I forget," Manda spun around and leaned into the car through the window to grab something.  
Dean checked her out from behind and grinned.  
She pulled back out and turned around. "I found one of these in the trunk and since you refuse to go digital in that car of yours, here." She handed him a cassette tape in a case.  
Dean took it from her. "Some things shouldn't be messed with in cars, and the deck's one of them," he smirked. Then he looked down at the tape and chuckled as it only said "mix" on it, there was no track listing in the case.  
"You're giving me a mixed tape?" He looked at her with a bit of disbelief and amusement.  
"Horribly cliché I know, but why not?" She grinned sheepishly. "And I bet the first song on side A is just what you're going to need to hear once you're pulling away from this spot."  
He put it in his jacket pocket and looked at her. "It is… and we'll see about that." He knew he would throw it in the tape deck when he got back in the car to see what it was.  
"You get tired of it or find there's no more demons, spirits, or whatever to chase after then come hunt me down, Winchester." Manda flashed him a flirty grin. She was going to try to keep this light for both of them. She would deal with the sadness after she drove away.  
Dean chuckled, she had pulled a line and it sounded like something he would say. "Sounds good." The smirk he gave was promising.  
"Well, time for me to get going… see you around soon?" She turned on her side to face him.  
He nodded as he turned to face her. Dean hoped to see her soon again. They had agreed earlier to try and meet up again in another month or so, but there were no promises.  
"Take care of yourself." Manda reached up and stroked his face lightly before she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek lightly.  
"Bye, Dean," she said softly, and then let her lips find his briefly before she pulled back.  
He looked at her for a second before he gave her a deeper kiss than the one she had given him.  
"Bye, Manda." Dean moved back a step to give her more space to open the door.  
Manda smiled at him and then turned to open the door.  
Dean reached out and grabbed her by the wrist that was reaching for the handle. "Wait," he said tenderly.  
She turned her head to look at him, but then when she saw his face she turned around completely.  
Dean slipped his arms around Manda, pulled her close to him.  
She looked at him questioningly. She wasn't sure what he was about to do or say.  
He bowed his head down to her ear. "I wish things were different too," he said in a low tone.  
Manda nodded. He was going to say the things she knew he had been holding back from saying, and hadn't expected him to either.  
"Maybe I feel like you do about this, but you were right… we have to go separate ways. And if things were different, you and me…" he stopped, because that was all he could say as he looked at her and saw she understood.  
Manda held back what wanted to come to surface, tears of sadness because this really was goodbye, and Dean was finally letting her know he felt the same way she did after the first night they'd spent together.  
Dean let go of her, placed a hand on each side of her face and just looked in to her eyes for a second before he kissed hard and deep for a minute or two.  
When his mouth left hers Manda smiled sadly first, then hugged him tightly and pressed her forehead against his shoulder, and felt his arms go around her again.  
"Call me if you need anything or just because okay?" Dean needed her to agree to that because if she needed him for anything he'd be there as fast as he could, and if she didn't then he still wanted to hear from her too.  
"'Kay… you too," she barely got out the words.  
"Look after yourself, Chambers, no more getting careless on me all right?" Dean didn't want to tell her he would worry because he couldn't protect her from whatever she might come across without him, but he figured she knew.  
Manda lifted her head and nodded before she looked at him. "Okay... but I better go because if you keep being sweet I'm never going to leave here." She tried to lighten it now, because she was going to break down soon if she didn't.  
Dean saw it, how she wanted to cry but she wouldn't do it in front of him. He kissed her on the forehead, then smirked at her and let her go. "See ya, Manda, remember what I said."  
She had let go of him and reached her hand back for her door again. "I will… goodbye, Dean." Then she turned, got in her car, and started it up.  
Dean had watched her get in and then tapped on the roof after she had started it up to tell her she could go.  
He started to walk back to the Impala.  
"Dean…" she called out as she stuck her head out the window.  
Dean stopped and turned around. "Yeah?"  
"Thank you," her voice broke with a mix of sadness and happiness. Manda couldn't say I love you, so she said thank you. And she was thankful for everything Dean had done for and given her.  
Dean just nodded at her and grinned, he knew what she was really saying.  
Manda put her head back in the car, tossed a hand out and waved before she pulled her car off the shoulder and back on to the road. She tapped the horn twice and drove away with a smile on her face and a few tears rolling down her cheeks as the image of Dean got smaller and smaller in her mirror until he was gone.  
Dean got back into the car and hid all the expression from his face.  
Sam had watched their goodbye, but not too closely. He had seen Dean stop Manda at the last second before she got in the car, and he could only wonder what was said since he had seen the way Dean held her there. Now it seemed his brother was playing it cool, but Sam knew differently.  
"Ready to go?" Dean asked as he fired up the car.  
"Yeah, I was just waiting on you to finish saying goodbye." Sam wanted to tease Dean but he would hold off for a minute.  
Dean popped a tape out of the deck, then pulled the one out of his pocket that Manda had given him.  
"Manda gave you a tape?" Sam scoffed. He had seen her give Dean something, and this must have been it.  
Dean scowled at Sam, but nodded as he stuck it in to the stereo's cassette deck.  
"It's a bit disturbing how alike you two are sometimes," Sam chuckled and shook his head in disbelief even though he knew they were good for each other.  
Dean ignored Sam as the wheels started to turn on the cassette. Then he laughed when AC/DC's "Up To My Neck In You" started to play.  
Manda had been right, and she had definitely known what he needed to listen to now as he was driving way. He had to admit she had a way with song selection, and while maybe he wouldn't have thought about it at first, it was perfect and he needed to hear it.  
Dean smiled as he thought about it how much he loved that it fit right now, and that somehow she had known it would. And that's when he knew he had been right - she was one hell of a woman and it sucked that she was driving one way and he was driving another. He hoped that one day soon though, their roads would meet again.  
Sam looked at him and laughed. "You fell in love with her didn't you, Dean?"  
He knew Sam could see it, that he did love her or was falling in love with her. He wasn't sure which it was, but he knew that she sure was making it hard for him not to love her just a little. And while he hadn't even actually admitted it to Manda, he wasn't about to admit it to his brother yet either.  
"Pie-hole, Sammy... shut it," Dean said as he pulled the Impala back on to the road, turned up the volume and began to sing along.

THE END.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed it. Hope the spin on Dean wasn't too bad or that he wasn't too soft and out of line at times. Also hope you managed to like the OFC Manda despite her flaws, and that you liked them together. If not, well... such is life.  
> And hopefully somewhere in this story you could see it playing out in your head, or that you laughed out loud, or even got a little emotional about their parting by the end here.  
> It was fun to write. If you have, thanks again for sticking it out until the end!


End file.
